Thursday, September 08, 2011

Brand New Website!

Welcome to my new website! It updates M - F. And just like my penis, it will continue to grow & get bigger. (as long as I keep taking the pills) Please feel free to share with EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING YOU KNOW! Also, please feel free to visit all my sponsors. The more you visit, the more money I have to feed my children. Well, they aren't really MY children, but they ARE children, and they work much harder when they have food.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Thank you to all

300,000+ unique visitors!

Thank all of you who have visited this little site over the past couple of years. More than 300,000 individual people from around the world have visited this site, and it's had more than half a million total views. But now ... MRN is dead, long live Michael Noll.

I'm starting a new website next month that is using professional servers and will allow me to greatly expand my viewership. I hope all of you will follow. Thank you so much, it's been a great run, i killed many men, and the blood of the unbelievers will replenish us and make us whole.

Love you,

MRN ... Michael Noll

Thursday, November 04, 2010

What You Can and Can't Use

Facebook For!

I noticed a lot of you have been misusing Facebook. A lot of the mistakes you are making are mistakes that I once made. Let me help you jerks.

What you CAN use Facebook for:

- Getting attention, because that is what you use instead of food and water now. It's what I use.

- Spying on people you used to know, hoping they get fat.

- Posting pictures to make it look like you had more fun at a party than you actually did.

- Sending drunken messages that you will really regret on multiple levels the next day.

- Looking for nip slips in the pictures of your sluttiest female friends.

- Showing people every single meal you eat, every single day of your awful life. People really want to see what your turkey sandwich looks like. They wait for that from the moment they wake up, post a picture of their breakfast, and get ready for their day. Once noon rolls around they expect to know that you are eating the most fancy hipster turkey sandwich in the history of the world, a turkey sandwich that has thick oversized glasses with no lenses and has an ironic tattoo on the toasted bread. If I didn't see a picture of your sandwich, if I didn't know what your overly complicated lunch looked like, well, I would just die. I would just up and GD die!

- Being passive aggressive and sarcastic. No really, really, I just love that sooooooo much.

- Clicking "like" on your own posts. Then commenting on your own posts that you like your own post, and clicking "like" on that too.

- Tagging friends when they didn't realize they were having a picture of them taken. A picture in which they look horrible, really at their worst.

- Saying every single thing to every single person you care about that you used to, and should still be saying IN PERSON or AT LEAST ON THE DAMN PHONE!

- Showing people what a bad speller you are. (Also, pointing out to people what a bad speller they are.)

- Letting people know that you are way sadder than they are.

- Showing people videos of the horrible music you like. Or showing people videos of the super indie music you pretend you like, but really nobody likes.

- Being a troll. Saying something outlandish and contrarian just to be a jerk and get angry responses. Do you know who else does things they shouldn't just to get attention? 3 year olds.

- Going on and on and on and on about how much in love you are with your boyfriend or girlfriend. You are so filled with love, you just can't help yourself. It's just bursting right out of your little body and onto your dirty keyboard. And everyone will know it's true love, because true love is expressed in simple sentences on facebook walls. It's just like the old days really, the days before the internet. Men and women would walk around the streets yelling at the top of their lungs, "I'm so in love, hey everybody, I'm so in love! I found the love of my life, I'm so happy! It's going to last forever!" And everyone around them would stop in their tracks and begin to loudly applaud. Many of the towns people would be in tears from the happiness they were sharing with you. Well, when you post about how in love you are, how happy you are with your girlfriend who is barely out of high school or your boyfriend who makes fun of your floppy boobs when you aren’t around, every single one of your facebook friends is dropping everything they were doing, standing up in front of their computer and applauding. Everyone is just, so, so, SOOOOOOOOOOOO freakin' happy for you!

- Sending mass emails inviting me to a fashion show for some ghetto ass clothing line sponsored by Kelly Pavlik (For my friends around the world who don't know who Kelly Pavlik is, she's a 15 year old girl who boxes Mexicans and black guys while topless and sometimes wins but lately mostly loses. She's adorable.) That looks really classy, I can't wait to attend. I also can't wait to get 50 mass emails from you and your horrid friends who all send me the same thing. Nothing like going to a fashion show to see the latest line of t-shirts covered in abstract pictures of barbed wire.

- Saying things like, "I'm going to delete my facebook," just so you can get all your friends to beg and plead with you not to, or "Nobody likes me," so they'll all leave you comments telling you how much they love you, even though you are probably right and they don't really care for you much, probably because you‘re a pussy. Or leaving confusing dark messages that turn out to be song lyrics, but freak everybody out, because it sounds like you are suicidal and not just copying and pasting song lyrics from Kings of Leon.

- Being a hypocrite when you make fun of people's posts that are really, really similar to posts you left. my bad:

Here is what you CAN'T use facebook for:

Any kind of intelligent conversation about ANYTHING EVER! Don't try!

*** Please visit my brand new website and enjoy the crap out of it: MN institute

       Thank you very much. I love you. - MRN

Monday, October 25, 2010

MRN Interviews: Stepdad!

I recently interviewed one of my favorite new bands, Stepdad. Stepdad and Justin Bieber are the future of music.

MRN: First of all, let me just say it’s a pleasure to interview you. Since my real father wont speak to me, this is about as close as it gets.

Stepdad: (no response)

MRN: Where did the name Stepdad come from? Was it based on a molestation incident? Sort of like how Dave Matthews Band got their name?

Stepdad: It was part of a phrase randomly generated by a computer. In the future, all bands will start this way.

MRN: I'm not sure about that. But I am sure that Dave Matthews molested like a 24 Pakistanis. Allegedly. There, I'm covered legally now. You have a song titled “My Leather, My Fur, My Nails.” Do you worry about offending PETA and Asian women?

Stepdad: At this point in PETA's agenda, I don't believe that vandalizing coats made out of humans is a priority. It is likely more a matter in the jurisdiction of the FBI. Luckily, there doesn't seem to be legal precedent to prosecute for the use of metaphor.

MRN: Your music has been described as a cross between Pantera and Ke$ha … by me. How do you sleep at night?

Stepdad: I cannot refute the cultural impact of classics like "Cemetery Gates" and "Phrases Recorded Between Hospitalizations for Alcohol Poisoning and Subsequently Autotuned - Part 3" (or whatever Ke$ha's new single is called). I can however state that we cite our biggest influences as The Beach Boys, Tears for Fears, Talkings Heads, Gary Numan, and others in that vein. In answer to your inquiry, typically with the ingestion of Ambien CR and Bourbon.

MRN: I noticed there are no Hispanics in the band. Is this because you are still angry at them for bombing Pearl Harbor?

Stepdad: No. It is because the ancient nation of Hispania fell with the decline of the Roman Empire and takeover by the Visigoths in the early centuries of the common era.

MRN: You have a beard. What’s that like? I tried to grow a beard. It was all patchy and ended up looking like pubes.

Stepdad: When it's really short, it's a bit itchy. If you tough out the first few weeks, it's all smooth sailing from there. It serves as a wonderful food catcher as well.

MRN: Your video for “My Leather, My Fur, My Nails” made me think I was on the drugs. I’ve never done the drugs. Is that what drugs would make me see?

Stepdad: Save the other side effects of drug use, which can include imaginary conversations about death with strangers on subways [true story], yes; drugs are a bit like that.

MRN: Your music is truly great, and unique. However your myspace page has 2,702 friends and John Mayer has 504,302 friends. Does that ever make you believe there is no God? Does it make you question the point of your existence? Jessica Simpson submitted this question.

Stepdad: John Mayer is actually a hilarious guy. His songwriting style is definitely geared toward a more adolescent and delusional female market, but I would hang with that dude any day. And just to avoid beef, I'd probably politely wave at Jessica Simpson in passing.

MRN: What is your favorite John Mayer song? Is it the one where he sings like a little woman so he can get into the tight pants of a drunk washed up celebrity? That’s my favorite song.

Stepdad: I'm going to be quite forthright by saying that I used to work at a casino which quite frequently rotated "Waiting on the World to Change" over the loudspeakers and I have been caught whistling the guitar solo to it once or twice. [Stepdad would like to inform you that this is solely the view of Ultramark and does not necessarily reflect the views of Cobrazebra or Optimus Fives.]

MRN: I like your band. I like your names, it's like if Transformers had a band. What are some of the big things ahead for Stepdad? Shaving? New videos? John Mayer covers?

Stepdad: We've been chiseling away at out LP for quite a while. It's going to be called Wildlife Pop and should be done towards the end of the year. Ultramark recently shaved for a court appearance, but is currently regrowing his luscious mane. There are certainly more videos to come, we will have another video out before the release Wildlife Pop. No John Mayer covers in the works at the moment, but we have covered Ace of Base, the cover can be found here:

MRN: Who is your favorite Beatle? Living Beatle I mean. And obviously I’m excluding Paul McCartney. He didn’t do much.

Stepdad: All of them, along with Bob Dylan and Ravi Shankar (for showing them drugs and sitars, respectively).

MRN: What is the future for Stepdad? And just in general, what is the future?

Stepdad: Wildlife Pop LP coming soon. International Superstardom to follow. By the close of the decade an amendment to the constitution will allow Stepdad to collectively accept the responsibilities of the Presidency of the United States.

MRN: Ever consider doing a tour with the band “Say Hi To Your Mom?” Or maybe my own band, “My Dad Left My Mom And Eventually Ended Up Marrying A Woman Who Was Unclean And Got A Penis Disease?” It’s a side project from my main band, “Dave Matthews Band 2."

Stepdad: Our current plans do include touring in the future, likely with our buddies in Nightlife (, Gobble Gobble (, or Nathan K. ( Listen to all of them!

MRN: Ever kill a man?

Stepdad: We have been told after performances that we "killed it". Count it.

MRN: Where can people buy your stuff? I looked everywhere in Walmart but found nothing.

Stepdad: You can purchase our EP for a dollar or more (your choice, it used to be free but the website told us not to do that anymore) at If you come to our shows you can buy posters. T-shirts and online store coming soon. Go to to keep up on all the latest news, as well as stray and useless thoughts that happen into our stupid brains.

MRN: Well Stepdad, it's been a pleasure for you and I highly recommended everyone check out your band, as well as Dave Matthews Band, John Mayer, Ke$ha, Justin Bieber, Jessica Simpson, The Beatles and Rammstein. I didn't mention Rammstein, but I just really like Rammstein.

*** Please visit my brand new website and enjoy the crap out of it: MN institute

Thank you very much. I love you. - MRN

Friday, September 10, 2010

What I've Learned

I haven’t posted in a while because of life. It can be really painful and hard. That’s what she said. Even though I haven’t posted in forever, you jerks, I mean you readers, I mean you jerk-readers scum still visit this site. I’ve had over 200,000 unique views from strangers all over the world, but then again, so has your mom. Stop visiting. You think I like this? Nobody likes this. 200,000 people, where's my million dollars?!

I’ve learned a lot of important things about myself and about life in recent weeks. So here are all the unimportant things I’ve learned:

- Violence never solves anything, except for all your problems.

- The quickest way to a man’s heart isn’t food, unless that food has parasitic worms.

- I like white heads more than black heads, but it’s not like that.

- Let go, let God … does not apply for anything involving heights.

- Don’t fear change. Except for nickels.

- It’s ok for a grown man to feel sad, and even cry. Just make sure you change your tampon first.

- A dog is truly man’s best friend. And even your best friend is going to make a runny poop on your carpet.

- Humor can help you get through painful times. Said the guy in the clown wig during my rape.

- No one ever said life was going to be fair. Except for my third grade teacher, Mrs. Alexander. Lying whore.

- People spend so much time and money collecting stuff. You can’t take it with you when you die. Unless you put it inside your butt.

- I used to be a pessimist. Now I’m an optimist. It probably wont last.

- You gotta know when to hold them and know when to fold them. Does not apply to testicles.

- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me! Fool me three times, well you're just kind of a dick then.

- The best part about therapy is having an emotionally detached, impartial, and rational person who has a scientific understanding of how the mind works to help guide you through your own thoughts and feelings … that and the balloons.

- When life hands you lemons, you can sell them, but not for very much, because nobody really likes lemons.

- Some of the nicest people I know are atheist, some of the most peaceful people I know are Muslim, some of the most generous people I know are Jewish. Too bad they're all going to hell.

- I once complained that I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. That asshole had my shoes!

- But the most important unimportant thing I've learned is that baby monkeys love riding backwards on top of little pigs. But who doesn't?

*** Please visit my brand new website and enjoy the crap out of it: MN institute

       Thank you very much. I love you. - MRN

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Restaurant Review:

The King of Kings!

After weeks of trying unsuccessfully to make reservations over the phone, I decided to just go ahead and see If I could be lucky enough to get a table. I figured it was a long shot, but to my great surprise, I must have arrived at just the perfect time. There were very few diners at the local restaurant called Burgèr King.

Once I arrived, I noticed the handsome combination of light brick and colorful plastic that helped to accent the large glass windows. A combination of traditional early American and modern design. The large glass windows gave a sense of openness and welcoming. The bright and drastic color motif told me immediately to be prepared for something daring and exciting for my palate.

I entered the establishment at the side entrance. I was there for an early supper menu. I must have arrived to early for the valet service. Once inside I noticed so many beautiful things, it was almost more than ones eyes and ears could handle. But after taking a deep breath, I soaked in all of the sights and sounds. A smorgasbord of delightful colors, lights, and beeping noises soon became the backdrop for what would be one of the greatest meals I have ever had the great privilege of eating. More on that later.

After taking a moment to soak in the ambiance, I made my way to the maitre d. A French man dressed in what was obviously the latest in French fashions. He wore layers of faux worn plaid shirts and sweat pants. He had a very strong and almost pungent odor, obviously after a lunch of fine Brie de Meaux cheese. He had a small placard with him that said something in French that I could not translate. "Needmon ey forfood." I asked him if there was an available table without having a reservation. He said something that to the untrained ear, would sound like mere gibberish. But I recognized as someone from the Saint-Étienne of France.

As is, I suppose customary, I handed him a 20 dollar bill, to help my chances of getting a table. It indeed worked. He gestured to an empty table in the main dining room. He then reached into his pants and aggressively scratched his genitals. But of course, this is also customary for a French man.

I sat at my table and waited for my server. But after 20 minutes had gone by, I realized that this was not dining in the 20th century, this was very much a dining experience for the new millennium. Gone were the old fashioned notions of table service, this dining experience demanded participation and full immersion of oneself. Empiricism was the point, and while not on the menu, truly as important as the dishes served. In other words, I had to get up and go to a counter.

The menu was not in a leather bound book, but instead was right above for all to see. Sort of a communal menu, part of the diners shared experience. I asked the waitress at the counter, "what is your specialty, what would you recommend to a foody on his first visit?" Without any hesitation the waitress replied, "Number 2." They number their entrées. Another novel invention. "Number 2 it will be then, and may I have a wine list?" Apparently they do not serve wine. But as the waitress pointed out, "We got Hawaiian Punch, that like wine." Having never had the pleasure of sampling Hawaiian beverages, I couldn't pass up the opportunity. "A Hawaiian punch it will be then!" "You can get it over there," she replied.

Having the patron take part in the service of their own meal really did take me into the whole experience. I felt as though I was not simply a spectator, but instead truly a participant. And my participation would be greatly rewarded by the main course. This reminded me of the Peruvian beach restaurant encounters of my youth. Oh those were the days. What a buoyant and keen young man I was. But those tales of mischief and sometimes hijinks are better reserved for another time.

After my wait of what seemed like only 1 minute, my main course was handed to me on a colorful tray. The main course was a gourmet sandwich that was carefully wrapped in dyed paper, to keep it at the perfect temperature. The side item was a kind of fried cut potato, similar in every way to a French dish known as a "fry."

I carefully perused the beef sandwich called a Whoppèr. I was first taken aback by the lush greens, and bright red tomatoes that lied on a flame broiled, what I assumed was a, ground Kobe beef patty. It was smothered with what tasted like melted goat-milk cheese. There was a unique sauce, clearly meant for a sophisticated connoisseur of fine food. The French styled fried potato strings, were a perfect compliment to the beef sandwich. Light, crispy, and perfectly seasoned.

I see why it is called the Burger King, it was a meal for a king. I am humbled and honored to have had the privilege of enjoying such nouvelle cuisine.

★ ★ ★ ★ out of four stars.

*** Please visit my brand new website and enjoy the crap out of it: MN institute
Thank you very much. I love you. - MRN