My fellow Americans, we face great challenges in our nation. Economic turmoil, the continuing threat of global terrorism, and Carson Daly. With these great challenges, it's time for a great leader. And I can think of no better man, woman, child, hermaphrodite, or post op transsexual, who would do a better job of leading our nation, than ... myself. It was only after great deliberation and solemn introspection that I came to this conclusion. One man, one very handsome, and adorable man is ready to lead, and that man is me.
So I am throwing my top hat into the ring, and announcing my fake candidacy. As my opponents Barack Obama, and John McCain have been stressing, it is time for a change in our nation, and it is also time to put country first. That's why my slogan will be "Snitches Get Stitches" And with your help, you can haz that epic win. And you can lolz.
Now my opponents will say, "he doesn't have any experience," or "he's too old." But isn't that exactly what they said about Jesus? No, no it's not. And that's my point. Together we will change the way Washington works. No more partisan fights, from now on, only monkey knife fights.
And no more ineffectual bloated government. From now on I will make government efficient, and succulent. Together my friends we can make our nation hilarious and baller.
I am a man of the people, all people, of all races, as well as midgets and dwarfs. Especially midgets and dwarfs. Actually mostly midgets and dwarfs. This Thursday I will be holding a special online town hall meeting where I will answer your questions on the big issues of our time. Send me your questions and I will answer them on MRNspace.com.
Supporters of one of my opponents have written a song and forced school children to sing it. This is because my opponent is worst than communism and obviously hates America.
This is the song sung by children who are abused by their parents:
Well I will not take a back seat for any of my opponents. I too have arranged a special song for my base. I did it because I love America, I love it so much that I want to hurt it, hurt it so it knows that I'm the only one for it and if it would just do what I want, we can be together forever, and if it tells the police I will crush it.
Tell your friends and family about my campaign. Visit my website sponsors and together we can make a horrible, horrible difference.
Update: The Obama video keeps being deleted, so I'll keep finding it.