There's been a lot of talk on the intrawebs about recent pictures of Jessica Simpson like this one:
People are writing snarky little posts making fun of her for gaining weight, and showing close up pictures of her physical imperfections. Who are these people writing these things in celebrity gossip blogs and magazines? There are two kinds of people:
1. Gay Men - No offense gay guys, but you probably aren't the go-to people on whether or not a woman is hot. Most of you think Madonna is hot, and she looks like Skeletor on meth. Let us heteros decide what is hot or not about a girl, at least for a little bit. Big fat titties and a ga-dunk-a-dunk are to be treated with respect. Not a thing wrong with skinny girls either. I like fast little sports cars as much as anyone, but sometimes you want to tear up the road in a roomy well built Hummer.
2. Coked Up Old Whores - The women who have a glass of water with lemon, hold the lemon, for lunch, dinner, and breakfast each day. The women who have more holes in their sinuses than functioning organs. I'm sure it's glorious to wear a size 0, and shoot so much botox into your lips that your mouths look like baboon vaginas, but you aren't really the best source on the subject of what makes a girl attractive either.
You and the gay guys run all the fashion magazines and gossip blogs, and sometimes you write fun stuff. I admit, I love it when you hate on the people I hate, like that horrid Lindsay Lohan. No, I will not leave Lindsay Alohan. Fake lesbian drug addict. But mostly you just pick apart famous women for looking exactly like the regular women who read what you write in the first place. Because deep down, women love nothing better than to find things to hate themselves for. Stop that!
These people did the same thing a few months ago over some beach pictures of Jennifer Love Hewitt:
Is that really so horrible? I think she looks good. I hate that she was in a movie called "Can't Hardly Wait." It should be titled "Can Hardly Wait!" If it's "Can't Hardly" that's a double negative, which means she can wait. I hate double negatives! Stooped elliterate basturdz! But I've learned to forgive her for that. I can't hardly hold her responsible for everything. And she looked great in those beach photos. What, you'd rather have this?!:
Because that's what all women would look like if you celebrity gossip assmongers had your way. Have you been to a mall lately? The entire place looks like a set up for a Dateline To Catch A Predator show. 10 year old girls running around with makeup, buying thongs, and drinking Hollywood diet shakes.
Look, Jessica Simpson is a retard. She was born retarded, then her creepy dad got her all plastic surgeried up, had her fake-sing some songs, and have a pretend marriage on MTV, where her extreme stupidity seemed funny. And it is. Stupid people are funny. Make fun of her for that. Make fun of her for being a terrible singer, a terrible actress, for being one step away from having to wear a special helmet to protect herself at the dinner table. But don't make fun of her for gaining 10 pounds and looking normal.
Look what you did to her (equally talentless) sister! She was horrible, couldn't sing, dance, act, or even master the most basic of voluntary human functions ... but she was kinda cute. I don't know why, she just was. Why is a wombat cute? Why is a dog licking itself cute? Why is monkey drinking it's own urine cute? They just are. And so was she until her
Oh Jessica Simpson, if only your music was as full as your sweaters.
UPDATE:
Transcript from Obama's interview with Matt Lauer:
"Yeah, it's a little hurtful," he quipped when Matt Lauer showed him the newest issue of Us Weekly, on stands now, featuring a portrait of his family.
"You got replaced by Jessica Simpson!" added Lauer, who sat down with Obama before the Super Bowl aired Sunday on NBC.
"Who's in a weight battle, apparently. Oh well!" Obama said.
How the eff does he know that?! And why would he mention it?! Here is my humble advice to the president: DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE 'TARDS WEIGHT, GET OFF THE F'N INTERNET AND FIX THE ECONOMY!
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27 comments:
wow MRN! i was not expecting this from you! but it was go good and so true!
DAMN RIGHT MRN!!!!! BEST CELEBRITY POST I'VE EVER READ!
haha there is so much truth in this in a weird way!
lol i love how you defended her and then destroyed her at the same time!
wow, you said "titties" and "vaginas" both in the same post
this is almost something a feminist would write, except it's so wrong in so many ways! lol i love it. i can't figure you out MRN, but it's great
i'm a gay man and i actually write for a celebrity gossip website. and pretty much everything you said was true! hehe i'm debating if i should forward this or not. i might offend half of my coworkers. it might be worth it.
"Have you been to a mall lately? The entire place looks like a set up for a Dateline To Catch A Predator show. 10 year old girls running around with makeup, buying thongs, and drinking Hollywood diet shakes."
that's 100% true
HAHA harsh dude!
yeah. I really liked it. i'm glad to read this. it made me feel good. it makes me feel horrible when gossip mags make fun of the weight gain of celebs that are still skinnier than me.
My gf just sent me this to read. this made her mad at ME somehow! i didn't do anything. it's funny though, she is a fucktard
jessica simpson is a fucktard not my girl
quote of the year so far "The women who have more holes in their sinuses than functioning organs. I'm sure it's glorious to wear a size 0, and shoot so much botox into your lips that your mouths look like baboon vaginas, "
right on!
awesome post, who sings that song about her?
ha! pretty flippin funny stuff
this was actually a really good commentary! very very politically incorrect, but really well said
so so so so trud. all of it
true not trud
oops
yes yes...but what are your feeling on tera reid??
i wish i looked as good as jennifer love hewitt in a bikini! i'd hate to know what they would say about me!
same here! i'd kill for her body. this was crazy funny
this is sooooo good
a friend just emailed this to me. she said "you gotta read this, it's really true and they say baboon vagina"
yes it sure is and you sure do
really good stuff
serilously this made me feel better about stuff! funny and smart
So, is this supposed to be a bad photo. She looks freakin' hot. Damn near perfect body right there imo.
Uh, the profile shot of jennifer love hewitt in that black bikini I mean. Smokin'!
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