'er to 'er ...
The top 10!!!!!!!!
10. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt
You are worse than Hitler. A long time ago, the son of God ... Jesus, died for our sins. Whatever that was, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt is the opposite of. You don't make me sick. Sick is something that passes. You actually are so horrible that you damage my organs. Cancer is something people should never joke about. It's a terrible disease. So when I say that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are as bad as cancer, I mean business. You are a cancer of our culture.
You are famous. You are successful. You do NOTHING! You just exist. You aren't interesting. You aren't clever. You aren't funny, smart, or even controversial. You just ... live. But what kind of life is it really? You are as fake as your boobs, both of you. You are Barbie and Ken. Which means I'm gonna end up putting my wiener on Heidi and Spencer Pratt has no genitalia. YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!! You are famous and successful for being uninteresting, shallow, meaningless, useless, complete wastes of matter.
I'm gonna be living in your neck of the woods before too long. And I may even end up being in some of the same circles as you. So let me say now, what I'll say to your faces: You have the same value and purpose as hemorrhoids. You are human hemorrhoids. You live in the anus of life and are nothing but an unnecessary pain.
9. Scaring Children
YOU IRRESPONSIBLE DUMBASS PARENTS! Stop scaring the holy hell out of the kids you never wanted to have in the first place! Stop making them fear everything in life! You scare the hell out of them, making them think that every stranger they meet is gonna steal them and get all Michael Jackson on them! But in reality, the chances of a child being abducted is the same as a person being hit by lightning. So until you start making them fear getting raped by lighting strikes, stop making them feel being molested by strangers!
It's ok to teach your kids that some people in the world are not good people, but it's not ok to teach them that their is danger around every corner. My insane grandmother was that kind of person. She tried to tell me that EVERYTHING was dangerous. It left me afraid and insecure. It's ok to teach your children to be smart and cautious. But also teach them to be brave. It empowers them. That kind of empowerment will serve them well the rest of their lives. Do you really want to have pussies for kids? Or do you want to have brave, bold, strong and confident kids? The kind of kids that would walk up to Carson Daly and kick him right in the balls? More on that later.
8. Alternative Medicine
Stop being a jackass, just take the Tylenol!
I know a lot of you just love dolphins. You get pictures of them airbrushed on all your jackets and vans. You go to Sea World and watch them do tricks and get chubbies from it. You think they are magical creatures that have some kind of spiritual power. You think they are extremely smart and gentle animals, worthy of nothing but the highest respect and admiration. Let me give you some facts:
- Dolphins are NOT smiling. They were born with faces like that. They aren't happy, they are sociopaths.
- Dolphins are NOT extremely smart. If they are so smart how come they live in the ocean and have sex with dolphins?! That's sick, and the ocean is gay.
- Dolphins are NOT your friends. Ever see a dolphin open it's mouth? It's got like a hundred Chiclets for teeth. It can't eat you. So it eats small fish. If it had bigger teeth it would eat you, your family, your dog, your unborn baby, and your hopes and dreams.
- Dolphins are gay sharks.
Stop taking all my money asshole!
Stupid government. You take from my income, you take from what I purchase at the grocery store. You take when I go to the gas station. You take when I con mentally disabled adults out of social security checks, so I can take the money and spend it on paint thinner and Skittles. Is this not a free country?! Then why don't I feel free when you have a hand in each pocket and are rubbing your knuckles up against my balls?!
How's about this ... Stop taxing so much, and just STOP spending so much on ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT! I don't want to pay for you to build hippie museums and solar powered daisy-trains! Just stop taking my money to live out your hippie dippie fantasies! You are incompetent. Everything you do, fails. You print money so you can get away with it. At least until your overlords, the Red Chinese Communist, decide to stop buying our ever-increasingly worthless bonds. Republicans spent too much, and now Obama is spending like a drunken sailor. A drunken sailor with a ridiculous name. Stop having a weirdo name. What's with powerful black people and O names? Obama. Oprah, Bill Cosby. It's ridiculous.
Just do this one little thing. Keep your filthy g.d. hands out of my wallet you son's of bitches.
5. The Men's Room
Ladies, if you've never been in a public men's room (which is hard to believe with you ho bags) but if you've never been let me try and explain to you what it's like. Imagine a magical land filled with urine, dry diarrhea, obscenities written with sharpies and curly hairs covering white porcelain seats like the ground covered with autumn leaves. It's DISGUSTING. Guys are gross and shoot fluids, out of most of their holes, all over the disgusting, non-flushed toilets in our public bathrooms. A girl's bathroom is like Buckingham Palace compared to where we have to make!
Also 98% of guys DO NOT wash their hands. Then they go back out into the bar and put their hands all over you ladies. Gettin' urine drips all over your hands, back, and buttholes. Disgusting. I have the decency to wash my hands before groping sleeping strangers.
4. Margaret Cho
I'm glad that she's a lesbian because she makes my penis invert. She's a chubby, Asian, lesbian version of Carlos Mencia. Then again, Carlos Mencia is also a chubby, Asian, lesbian.
3. The Future
You lying sacks of shit. When I was a kid you promised me hover boards, and space cars. You promised me light sabers and video watches. You know what I got instead?!? A box on my desk that displays nothing but videos of cats and people peeing on each other. WHERE IS MY HOVER BOARD?! I NEED IT! I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE that all these amazing things were supposed to happen, and almost none of them did. I drive a 1996 Ford Taurus. IT DOES NOT FLY!
It's not that hard. Use magnets, or some kind of molecular displacer technology to make things float. Do I have to do everything for you people?! Just make my car fly! I'm sick of potholes and pedestrians on the sidewalks for my drinking mornings.
The future sucks. It's nothing but unfulfilled promises. Where is Captain Kirk?! Where is Spock?! Liars! I got nothing! I have a porn box on my desk and a tv that gets 400 channels of absolutely nothing to watch, except for Ace Of Cakes. You bastards and your lying sack of nuts future. I hate you.
2. Youngstown, Ohio
Ever visit your grandma at a nursing home? I'm not talking about when she first moves in, I'm talking after a few years, when she's running on fumes. She smells like urine, has strange bruises, and a bit of coleslaw in her newly grown beard. It's sad. It's sad to see someone at the end of their life lose all their dignity. That is the corrupt and broken city of Youngstown. It's at the end of it's life, and it smells like urine.
Home of an increasingly unsuccessful mafia, crack addiction, and murderers. Stick a fork in it, it's dead, then pull the fork out, and get a hazmat team to destroy it because it has feline aids. There are a lot of horrible places on Earth, each a haven of crime, corruption, and high unemployment. Sumgayit in Azerbaijan, Abidjan on the Ivory Coast, Chonchon in North Korea, the Darfur region of Sudan and others. But I'd rather walk around in a big American Flag and "F U" t-shirt in every one of those cities than step foot in Youngstown after dusk. Many people who live there try as hard as they can to pretend it's not that bad. That's like the octomom pretending her vag doesn't look like the opening to a circus tent after a tornado. It's bad.
You don't live in Youngstown, you barely survive it. Offend Youngstown
And now for number 1. The number 1 thing I'm most sick of, out of my list of a 101 things ....
1. CARSON DALY!
Once upon a time a man had sexual relations with a pee bucket. 9 months later, Carson Daly was born.
You have no reason to be famous anymore. You made sexual relations with the Backstreet Boys, painted your nails black and pretended to be friends with Kid Rock. For many years that was good enough to keep you on TV. But Kid Rock had kidney stones now, Backstreet has bad backs, and your nails are now only black from digging them into the black pit where your soul was meant to be.
How are you on TV?! And why do you look like Tom Hanks in the last 30 minutes of Philadelphia?! You and your little bicycle. cough cough gay.
You and your little "live strong" bracelet. Just because you don't have male genitalia doesn't mean you had cancer. You sicken me. Your show sickens me. You try to be the new Dick Clark every New Year's. People have strangled prostitutes that would have made better hosts than you. That was an odd reference.
Every year you ruin the entire year ahead. Stop being on my tv. Stop riding your bike. Stop looking like you are dying. Stop pretending you are friends with people. You have no friends. You have no reason to exist. You are everything that has and ever will be wrong with the world in which we all struggle to live in. You would make me sick, but my own sick would be a nice and greatly improved substitute to you.
Things I'm Sick Of Part 2! 59 - 11
Things I'm Sick Of Part 1! 101 - 58
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