BREASTS!

First ... if you think I'm doing a post all about Breasts just because I want more site views, you're right. Second ... if you think you know what I'm going to say about them ... you're also probably right. But read it anyway, your life is already a mess, you have nothing to lose. Except your precious time, and possibly your job, if you are are reading this at work. I use the word "titties." But you can get another job. There are other corners.

So anyways ... Breasts, those milk producing glands that feed your babies and are the reason you either did or did not get that last raise at work. The best things in life sometimes really are the simplest. Two blobs with pepperoni in the middle, awesome.

They come in all shapes and sizes. Small, medium, large, huge, real, fake, tiny, droopy, perky, national geographic and so on. Each a special little miracle from jeebus himself. But you ladies out there are EXTREMELY mistaken when you think you have to look a certain way to make a guy happy. Sure, some guys might only like big boobs, or some guys might only like really small, but any guy who doesn't like all of them is a gay guy. And ladies unless your innie turns into an outie, they just aren't ever going to love you anyway.



We call them many different things. Baby feeders, badoink a doinks, balloons, bazoombas, bee-stings, bosoms, boulders, cans, cantaloupes, cha-chas, chesticles, coconuts, dairy pillows, devil's dumplings, flapdoodles, funbags, gazongas, headlights, high beams, honkers, hood ornaments, hooters, hubcaps, jugs, knockers, mammaries, melons, milk bombs, milk jugs, milk wagons, milkmakers, mounds, nay-nays, neeners, ninnies, num-nums, pillows, puppies, racks, rib bumpers, speed bumps, tatas, teets, tits, titties, torpedoes, tweeters, whimwhams, yahoos, ying-yangs, or as I like to call them, "those squishy things the ladies on the bus got that are the reason I'm not allowed on the bus anymore." But whatever we call them, here are some truths about breasts:

- You could be the biggest butter face in the history of butt-nasty skank faces, and yet your boobs will be like a beautiful magical mystery tour through space and time to any hetero guy.

- They don't have to match. If you have one boob that is looking East and the other is heading West, that's fine. Your jugs just got some peripheral vision. Sweet.

- Unlike my hemorrhoids ... SIZE DOES NOT REALLY MATTER. I repeat ... SIZE DOES NOT REALLY MATTER. They are awesome and it doesn't matter if they are motorboatable or merely decorative. ALL BOOBS ARE AWESOME, AT ALL TIMES.





I have a lot of female friends. They have all kinds of boobs. Ginormous, tiny, i think one of my friends has three. Almost all of them wish they had something different. STOP THAT! You women, with all the time you spend with your insecurities. Shouldn't you be busy making me a steak?

I wish my testicles could find a cure for cancer and produce succulent chocolate pies, but they don't ... usually. I've learned to live with that. Just except what you got. Enjoy it. Love it. Be proud of it. Remember, it's not all about your jugs! You got a bacon strip downstairs that's really the fan favorite.

But, it's not just the ladies who have the boobs, fat guys and guys whose parents were family, also have the boobs. Boobs on guys: Not awesome. Plug your ears and nose and suck em back in. Stop confusing me! BTW, why do we have nipples? My nipples do nothing. I mean sure they produce milk and feed children, but other than that, nothing. WTF am i talking about?! This post has gone all wrong.



But why exactly are boobs so great? They are just fatty blobs. But for some reason they have enormous power in the world. Every time a wealthy prostitute like Paris Hilton "accidentally" has a boob pop out of one of her whore dresses, it's big news. But why? Why does the fatty sweat gland of a spoiled, entitled, do-nothing celebrity make everyone go nuts? Why? Chicken thigh. I DON'T KNOW! NOBODY KNOWS! How exactly does a black hole work, why are there gaps in evolution, why does Carson Daly still get work? These are mysteries we may never fully understand.

But I think I have an answer. When we are little jitarded babies, we pretty much have one major need and want. We want milk. We want to drink some delicious milk, and we know where we can get it. Boobs. Boobs make milk. They are like the pop machine at Taco Bell. When we eat 20 bean burritos we want some Dr. Pepper. It's so delicious and satisfying that we pretty much want to have sex with the pop machine. And that's why we aren't allowed in Taco Bell anymore.

It was our first want, our first desire. Our first thoughts were: BOOBS. MILK. BLOOD. FIRE. ... oops, I've said too much.