Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Words That Sound Dirty: A to Z!

Words That Sound Dirty: A to Z!

If you are anything like me, you are legally restricted from being within 200 feet of schools, churches and synagogues. But you also think that words that sound even a little bit dirty are hilarious and you will laugh and laugh, and laugh, and masturbate, and laugh, and laugh at them for hours.

I made a list of words that aren't actually dirty but sound dirty for each letter of the alphabet. I also made a shiv.

A - Asinine (Ass I nine?! Nine what? Nine inches, that's what. I’m not sure what that means.)

B - Ballcock (It's something in your toilet. Also, it’s what happens when a guy has been in really cold water for too long.)


C - Cockamamie (My grandmother used to use this word. My grandmother must have been a horny old pervert. I don't own a dictionary.)

D - Dictum (The dictionary, that I just borrowed, says it's a "noteworthy statement." But I think it's what I find on the sheets every morning when I wake up … next to your mom.)

E - Epidermis (It's your skin, and part of your skin is your wiener or your vagina, so it’s dirty.)

F - Fag (In England dudes put these in their mouths and smoke them, in the U.S. .... dudes put these in their mouths and smoke them.)

G - Gesticulate (I don't know what this is, but I'm pretty sure I do it like 3 times a day, usually in the shower.)

H - Hoary (What all the girls I see at the mall are.)

I - Igloo (As in ... I Iglooed a page from the Lane Bryant catalog onto my wall after I finished off with it. You know, that old saying.)

J - Juice (A wonderful beverage that is filled with essential nutrients. Sick!)

K - Kumquat (I'm not sure it's spelled that way, but I needed a "K." When I drove through Nebraska, I saw a lot of gas stations called "Kum & Go." Nebraska is filled with sexual perversion and wheat.)


L - Labia (Actually this one IS dirty. I didn't pay much attention during anatomy classes, but I think it's like the vagina’s jacket. If I had a vagina, I‘d get it a littler sweater. Maybe something by J-Crew. They make them. I guess it would be more fitting to get one from Baby Gap though.)

M - Masticate (Totally doesn't mean what it sounds like. For instance, you can't actually get arrested for masticating behind a Shell Gas Station at 4am. I really need some counseling.)

N - Navy Bean (I know it's not really all that dirty, but you have to use your imagination on this one. Just picture it: a little bean in a little navy outfit. He's a respectable American bean just serving his country and making his family proud. But then one night his navy bean buddies takes him out, get him drunk and before you know it, Navy Bean is doing unspeakable things with a Taiwanese Ladyboy. Suddenly, he’s brought shame to his family. Pictures of the debauchery find their way onto the internet. He’s kicked out of the Navy, and contemplates ending his bean life one night while sitting on the edge of a ketchup bottle. You should have joined the Marines, Navy Bean. This never would have happened in the corps.)

O - Oh (Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oooooooooooooh)

P - Pianist (Tee hee hee. Pianist, you were a difficult to watch movie about the Holocaust, a name for a musical profession, and also a word that makes me giggle so hard I can't even keep my morning liquor down. Tee hee he he, pianist. I actually took Pianist lessons. Maybe that's why I play it so hard. See, it sounds like the word penis.)

Q - I can't think of a word but the letter itself looks like a fat guy with a side-wiener.

R - Rubbermaid (They make my garbage can, a garbage can which apparently some son-of-a-bitch named "Rico" decided he wanted to "tag" by writing his name in spray paint. I assume "Rico" lives near me. Guess what Rico, I'm going find you, I'm going to ask around the neighborhood, and I'm going to find you. When I find you I’m going to take a can of spray paint and I'm going to tag your face in. NOBODY MESSES WITH MY GARBAGE CANS! I EAT OUT OF THOSE!)

S - Spencer Pratt (It sounds dirty, and it is. It’s what happens when a hermaphrodite has sex in the butt of a goat, and then pees in that butt, and then throws up in it.)

Spencer Pratt Sucks

T - Titmouse (The best kind of mouse. I wish there were vaginasquirrels.)

U - Urinal Cake (Worst cake ever. Almost as bad as German chocolate cake. Almost.)

V - Virginia (It‘s a state that‘s never intersected with the peninsula of Florida. Florida is our country’s penis.)

W - Wax (It’s what ladies do to not feel unclean. But they still are.)

X - X-ray (I don‘t know. Something about, looking at bones, or through your pants? I‘m running out of steam.)

Y - Yeast (It's what you need to bake bread, and it’s why Paris Hilton‘s underpants are like a Panera Bread shop. Try the bread bowl with chowder.)


Z - Zoo (It might not sound dirty to you, but you don't know my personal life.)


C. said...


j.a. : - 0 said...

I peed reading this!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Q should have been queef...

Linds said...

haha Navy Bean?!!

NarZ said...


hetta v. s. said...

This was educational.

Anonymous said...

LOL! I love this stuff.

Sars said...

u r crazy

sick and twisted, but funny

i laugh and feel sick at the same time!