Friday, January 30, 2009

Facebook 25 Things List

facebook lol

If you have facebook (the new "myspace," which was the new "friendster," which was the new "people actually going outside") then you've probably seen these "25 Things" list. It's going around faster than chlamydia.

This is what the rules say:

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

I know, I know, too much work, and you wont do it. But then you get tagged like 100 times, and you find yourself alone on a Friday night, in your underwear, eating peanut butter from a jar, and letting your dog lick your feet because it's the most stimulation you got going on in your life. So you give in, and you fill it out.

Here is the MRN list of 25 Random Facts, Thoughts, And Things About Me!

mrn is smart

1. There are only three things that I find more useless than Carson Daly. And Carson Daly are all three of them.

2. I've noticed your Mom giggles a lot in her sleep.

3. The truly greatest gift someone can give someone else is gold bars.

4. If i could only listen to 5 bands the rest of my life they would be Depeche Mode, Architecture In Helsinki, Radiohead, Morrissey, and of course Nickelback. There'd be no Beatles without Nickelback.

nickelback sucks

5. I've noticed your Grandma snores a lot in her sleep.

6. I don't care what anyone says, crime should be illegal. Sorry for getting all political.

7. I think it's weird that girls produce a lot of the same things I find at the grocery store. Milk, eggs, ... yeast.

8. I've noticed your Grandpa talks a lot in his sleep.

9. I think Lebanese are hot. Especially watching two of them kiss.

10. I think "global warming" is a complete and total scam exploited with junk science. I have for years. Someday when it's clear I'm right, I expect to be made king of America and brought succulent meats from around the world by slave girls.

11. People don't believe I'm 30. Moisturizing is the key. I'm nothing if not moist.

12. I've noticed your dog farts a lot in her sleep.

13. Did you know that a persons eyebrows tell you pretty much everything about what's going on downstairs? Carpet matches the drapes. Now try NOT looking at your families eyebrows at dinner.

14. I really hope when people die they don't really get to look down at you all the time and see what you're doing. I don't like thinking about my grandma watching me poop. ... and other stuffs : /

15. Michael Gross is a national treasure.

michael gross is a god

16. You know what word is funny always? Fart Burger, you know what word is funny almost always? Stink Butt

17. I've recently started saying "Toilet Tissue" instead of "Toilet Paper." I can't reverse it. It's become the biggest disagreement between my girlfriend and I. Leave a comment about who is right.

18. I think my least favorite minority is Armenians. I don't get it. What are you? Some kind of Russian? Don't make me google it, i don't want to learn, just say your Mexicans so I can understand it.

19. I've noticed your not really doing much with your hair lately. Um, yeah ... it's not good.

20. You know what show I like now? Red Eye, yeah, you never heard of it. You know what else you never heard of? Deodorant. Stop embarrassing your family.

21. Fart Burger

22. You know what's better than Unicorns? Nothing.

23. If i could be a tree, any tree ... i would be a country. ba da ching

24. I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the darkness at Tan Hauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain. Time to die. - lolz I'm going to start saying that every night to my girlfriend instead of "goodnight." I guess I like to ruin things : /

25. Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough. ba da ching

thanks for coming, tip the veal and try your waitresses, goodnight everybody

P.S. Thank you Digital for the mention. You my bro now. That means we stick together ... forever. Funny Hobbiest Bloggers

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Thursday, January 29, 2009

Jessica Simpson: Nom Nom Nom?


There's been a lot of talk on the intrawebs about recent pictures of Jessica Simpson like this one:

jessica simpson more cushion for the pushin

People are writing snarky little posts making fun of her for gaining weight, and showing close up pictures of her physical imperfections. Who are these people writing these things in celebrity gossip blogs and magazines? There are two kinds of people:

1. Gay Men - No offense gay guys, but you probably aren't the go-to people on whether or not a woman is hot. Most of you think Madonna is hot, and she looks like Skeletor on meth. Let us heteros decide what is hot or not about a girl, at least for a little bit. Big fat titties and a ga-dunk-a-dunk are to be treated with respect. Not a thing wrong with skinny girls either. I like fast little sports cars as much as anyone, but sometimes you want to tear up the road in a roomy well built Hummer.

2. Coked Up Old Whores - The women who have a glass of water with lemon, hold the lemon, for lunch, dinner, and breakfast each day. The women who have more holes in their sinuses than functioning organs. I'm sure it's glorious to wear a size 0, and shoot so much botox into your lips that your mouths look like baboon vaginas, but you aren't really the best source on the subject of what makes a girl attractive either.

You and the gay guys run all the fashion magazines and gossip blogs, and sometimes you write fun stuff. I admit, I love it when you hate on the people I hate, like that horrid Lindsay Lohan. No, I will not leave Lindsay Alohan. Fake lesbian drug addict. But mostly you just pick apart famous women for looking exactly like the regular women who read what you write in the first place. Because deep down, women love nothing better than to find things to hate themselves for. Stop that!

These people did the same thing a few months ago over some beach pictures of Jennifer Love Hewitt:

jennifer love hewitt

Is that really so horrible? I think she looks good. I hate that she was in a movie called "Can't Hardly Wait." It should be titled "Can Hardly Wait!" If it's "Can't Hardly" that's a double negative, which means she can wait. I hate double negatives! Stooped elliterate basturdz! But I've learned to forgive her for that. I can't hardly hold her responsible for everything. And she looked great in those beach photos. What, you'd rather have this?!:

anorexic model

Because that's what all women would look like if you celebrity gossip assmongers had your way. Have you been to a mall lately? The entire place looks like a set up for a Dateline To Catch A Predator show. 10 year old girls running around with makeup, buying thongs, and drinking Hollywood diet shakes.

Look, Jessica Simpson is a retard. She was born retarded, then her creepy dad got her all plastic surgeried up, had her fake-sing some songs, and have a pretend marriage on MTV, where her extreme stupidity seemed funny. And it is. Stupid people are funny. Make fun of her for that. Make fun of her for being a terrible singer, a terrible actress, for being one step away from having to wear a special helmet to protect herself at the dinner table. But don't make fun of her for gaining 10 pounds and looking normal.

jessica simpson is special

Look what you did to her (equally talentless) sister! She was horrible, couldn't sing, dance, act, or even master the most basic of voluntary human functions ... but she was kinda cute. I don't know why, she just was. Why is a wombat cute? Why is a dog licking itself cute? Why is monkey drinking it's own urine cute? They just are. And so was she until her pimp manager-father decided to get her all cut up and turned into a Heidi Montag level skank.

ashlee simpson before and after

Oh Jessica Simpson, if only your music was as full as your sweaters.

Transcript from Obama's interview with Matt Lauer:

"Yeah, it's a little hurtful," he quipped when Matt Lauer showed him the newest issue of Us Weekly, on stands now, featuring a portrait of his family.
"You got replaced by Jessica Simpson!" added Lauer, who sat down with Obama before the Super Bowl aired Sunday on NBC.
"Who's in a weight battle, apparently. Oh well!" Obama said.

How the eff does he know that?! And why would he mention it?! Here is my humble advice to the president: DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE 'TARDS WEIGHT, GET OFF THE F'N INTERNET AND FIX THE ECONOMY!

Related Posts:

Celebrities Without Makeup With Makeup

Celebrity Unicorns

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Important Public Service


the more you blow

Stealing movies on the internet is not a victimless crime. Watch this:

Drinking mouth wash is fun, but it's also dangerous. Watch:

We'll soon be making a transition to digital from analog signals for all of our televisions. Here is a very helpful PSA on what you need to know:

Riding a bicycle can be an enjoyable experience, but it's important to always use proper bike safety:

Sexual harassment in the workplace is a serious issue. It's important to know the do's and the dont's when relating to coworkers in the office: (not safe for the workplace)

I think we've all learned a valuable lesson. The lesson being, when I have other things to do, I just put together a string of youtube videos and call it a post. You love it.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

MRNspace Keyword Extravaganza!

This website, which is an extraordinary achievement of man and ape, is still relatively new. This is only it's 5th month, it's not even old enough to be an unwanted baby. But in that short time people from all around the world have embraced it's succulent humor. From Algeria to Zimbabwe, man, woman and child have grabbed ankle and let MRNspace love them. Everywhere I go, I hear: "Hey aren't you MRN?! You're that handsome young man from the internet who writes all the hilarious things that make life worth living." I haven't left my house in months.


But how do these people find this site? Well many find it by word of mouth, horribly diseased mouth. So keep telling people about the site. They'll keep being your friend for it! But then someday betray you. But thousands of others have discovered the majesty of MRNspace by searching on search engines like Google. People type in what they want to see, and then google in it's infinite and all knowing wisdom tells people to go to my website.

I've been keeping track of the thousands of search terms that people have typed to find my website. Here is a list of some of my favorites with that special brand of MRN comedy that all the kids these days love more than they love themselves. That's why they cut, they cut to feel.

My favorite keywords: (again, these are actual things that people type into search engines and find different hilarious posts on this website)

"Caturday" A classic. I didn't invent Caturday, just like Jesus didn't invent wine. But we both make it better than anyone and out of water.

"Michael Phelps cheated" Lots of Australians have typed this in. Listen, you don't need to hate on us for being good swimmers. You got lots of cool stuff that WE'RE jealous of too. Like 3 month vacations, kangaroos, and toilet water that flushes wrong.

"Famous black scientologists" Not sure who I piss off with this one, black people or scientologists? Well, no Tom Cruise aliens have anally raped me lately, so I guess black people. Sorry black people.

"When must I get stitches" I really don't know how to help people with this one. Let me ask you ... have you been snitching? Because you need to get stitched if you've snitched.

"Madonna is gross" I get a lot of this one. I don't know though, i think she looks pretty good for 70. I like when she goes to sing and just dust comes out.

"MRN" Yes! I'm famous! Give me money!

"Kelly Pavlik Lost" I live around where this once famous boxer lives. People around here make a big deal about him. Everybody wants to be his friend. But I'm sorry, didn't he lose? Isn't he the dictionary definition of a loser? Am I supposed to lower myself by accepting failure? I'll tell Kelly Pavlik the same thing I said to my Dad. "You are a morally depraved, sociopathic, hack writer, and I hope you and that succubus pig you married choke on it and go to Hell." Wait ... I'm getting confused again. Gotta take my meds. (downs half a bag of M&M's) ... Ah that's better. Go Pavlik! You're number 1!

"Famous black chefs" I'm pretty much the best resource on the internet for information about Chefs of African decent.

"Caturday in your pants" Really? Really? Somebody wants to find something about "caturday in your pants?!" Freakin' weirdos! And they found my site.

"STAR WARS" What's that?

"Bunday" It's not all about Caturday people. Gawd, think outside the freakin' box every once in a while. Jeez.

"How to make a sexy robot costume" This is probably my greatest achievement as a man.

"Fucking mother" Language!

"My song hates being home schooled" Maybe because his Mom is an illiterate hillbilly who can't spell "son."

"Star wars lol" Hehe ... so what is this Star Wars again?

"Elton John the best" Can you deny this?

"boy scouts doing bad stuff to woman's breast" I'm not proud of this one : (

"truck stop waitress costume" I'm so proud of this one : )

"nom blanket is nomming" WTF??!!! The internet is just plain weird. Oh and if you type that in, you find this site : / I apologize to mankind.

"ellen and lesbian wife" Get a lot of these. You wont find what you are hoping for. Sorry. Go back to building my shelves.

"Michael Robert Noll" That's me! Validate me! Love me! Meme! ... oh god, what they say in message boards is true. Too bad. Mwa ha ha!

"older mrn" Clearly meant to type "men"

"naked mrn" Clearly meant to type exactly what they did

"osama bin laden numa numa" Ok, I have to rethink my life now.

"It's not a party until" this gives me yet another amazing idea. In the comments I want you to finish that sentence.

And there are hundreds upon hundreds of other keywords. So i'll do this again, when I can't think of what to post! You're welcome!

Best Singer

Monday, January 26, 2009

Top Ten Tips For Parenting Babies

Like most of you, I have literally hundreds of babies throughout the country. Sons and daughters of only the finest truck stop waitresses. While I've never seen these babies, other than on Maury, I consider myself one of the foremost experts on parenting and babies.

I'd like to share my vast knowledge with you, so I've created a list of the Top Ten Tips For Parenting Babies.

10. Have A Fat Chinese Baby

Try to have an overweight baby if possible. Also try to have a Chinese baby. Fat Chinese babies are the funniest kind. It will make your time with baby fly by, since you will be laughing almost constantly. This is also a good way to keep the costs down, since your baby can live exclusively off of rice and Snickers bars.

fat Chinese baby

9. Give Your Baby A Cellphone

The best way to keep in touch with your baby when you are out at the bars, is to give it a cell phone. Not only can you go clubbing without worry, but your baby will be entertained for hours by downloading ringtones and text messaging friends. "parents not home. ROTF poopin lolz, cu l8r!"

cell phone baby

8. Potty Training

Potty training can be one of the most difficult experiences for unloving parents with drug and alcohol issues. But there are some tips to help the experience. First, like all people, babies must have something to read in order to make stool. Make sure to provide an assortment of popular magazines and victoria secret catalogs for baby. Otherwise the baby may have to read shampoo bottles and will have terrible constipation. If this occurs change the babies diet in order to ensure regularity. Bean burritos, pringles, or watching Carson Daly are good ways to induce proper defecation.

potty training

7. Provide Creative Child Care

Child care can be very expensive, and in this economy, that can really cut into your paintball accessory budget. So it's very important that you find creative ways to make sure your baby is safe while you sleep in, or go to the movies. There are lots of safe ways to ensure your babies safety over long periods of time. Such things as, boxes, cat carriers, tape, weights, and of course fear.

bad babysitter baby

6. Hide Your Liquor

It's very important to keep all of your adult beverages under lock and key, whenever your baby is home. Babies are all alcoholics and they will invite their friends over and have wild drunken parties. Only allow your babies to have wine.

drunk babies

5. Liposuction

Unless you want to be the most embarrassed mom or dad at the day care or massage parlor, then I suggest you look into extensive plastic surgery for your baby. While fat babies are the funniest, there comes an age where that baby fat begins to look terrible, about 4 months. A little bit of liposuction, and a few botox injections and your baby will look fabulous. This not only improves your stature among strangers but it also greatly increases the sale value.

baby rolls

4. Your Baby Might Be Black

As it has been explained to me many times by the mothers of my children, babies very often are born African American. This is apparently a very common occurrence and should not raise any suspicions. It has also been explained to me that many babies will also have striking resemblance to the African American mailmen who visit the house each day while you are at work. I've been told this has something to do with prolonged exposure to the mail. This is no cause for alarm.

black baby white daddy

3. No Smoking

Babies are born heavy smokers, but smoking is bad for infants since it also may lead to drinking. The best way to deal with this is to provide chewing tobacco. It's less expensive, easier to use, and it's something everyone can enjoy on family nights.

smoking kid

2. Breast Feeding

Only women can breast feed. Men cannot breast feed. While men have nipples, we do not have the ability to produce milk. This was explained to me last week, during a terrible confusion at Denny's. Men's nipples are purely ornamental. Here is an easy way to remember the difference. For men it's "pee and poop, no big whoop" for women it's "milk milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made."

breast feeding no

1. Babies Love Being Deceived

From the very start, it's important to instill a mixture of trust, fear, and confusion in the baby. Teach your infant about the magic of the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and Oprah. That way when the baby gets older he or she will be terribly devastated to learn that all he or she loved was a lie. It's a good way to set up the child for a short cruel life made up of disappointments and harsh realities.

scary Easter baby

*** Please visit my brand new website and enjoy the crap out of it: MNinstitute

Thank you very much. I love you. - MRN

Friday, January 23, 2009

Girl With Possible Mental

Retardation Explains Star Wars!

star wars for girlsCan you believe that it's the year 1994 (or something like that, I don't have a calender) and there are still people who haven't seen Star Wars?!

Just the other day I was in a 5 star restaraunt with business associates ... ok that's not true : / I'll start over...

I was in the county jail having a shank pulled out from my anus, when the guy next to me mentioned that he had never seen Star Wars. Well, I nearly grabbed the shank from the evidence bag and stabbed him in the face, i was so outraged!

That's about right. But here's how I remember it:

If I was Darth Vader, besides using the force to fiddle with myself hands free all day, I would also do a lot of this:

Related Posts:

Censoring Ewoks

Star Wars Caturday

San Fran Star Wars

Thursday, January 22, 2009

2009 Academy Award nomin...


It's that time a year, when people we don't know tell us what we are supposed to think is good. It's unwatchable, it's too long and it's boring. It's the gay Superbowl.

gay superbowl

Here are your 2009 Academy Award nominations:


The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - Didn't see it. Looks like Forest Gump but about age instead of retardation and aids

- Didn't see it. Looks terrible. I love Nixon.

Milk - Didn't see it. I'll wait for the sequel, Orange Juice.

The Reader - Didn't see it. I go to the movies so I don't have to read!

Slumdog Millionaire - Didn't see it. I'm color blind and Indian people look green to me.

What, no Dark Knight? No Wall-E? No Meet Dave?!


Richard Jenkins - The Visitor - Who?!

Frank Langella - Frost/Nixon - Horrible impression. Mine is much funnier.

Sean Penn - Milk - If you play a gay guy who dies, you will get nominated for an Oscar nomination. Except for Tom Cruise in Valkyrie.

Brad Pitt - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - creepy old babies, no thanks, saw it already on Maury

Mickey Rourke - The Wrestler - The Rock got screwed.

I hope Mickey Rourke wins because he's most likely to do something ape-shit crazy. I love it.


joker batman lol

Josh Brolin - Milk - Would make a good Mister Freeze.

Robert Downey Jr. - Tropic Thunder - Would make a good Riddler.

Philip Seymour Hoffman - Doubt - Would make a good Penguin.

Heath Ledger - The Dark Knight - (too soon to make jokes here, check back in a few months)

Michael Shannon - Revolutionary Road - Would make a good Catwoman.

If Heath Ledger doesn't win, nerds on the intraweb will literally stab themselves in the neck with their keyboards.


Anne Hathaway - Rachel Getting Married - Is she naked in this one?

Angelina Jolie - Changeling - Is she also naked in this one?

Melissa Leo - Frozen River - I don't know who she is. Is she naked in this?

Meryl Streep - Doubt - God I hope she's not naked in this.

Kate Winslet - The Reader - It's actually a law that Kate Winslet must be naked in every single movie she's in. I hope she gets cast as Dora in the live action Dora the Explorer movie. Don't judge me.

The winner should be Heath Ledger.


Amy Adams - Doubt - I doubt she'll win. HA HA HA HA!!!! GET IT?! HA HA HA HA OH MY FREAKIN' JEEBUS THAT'S HILARIOUS HA HA HA HA ... i hate life : /

Penelope Cruz - Vicky Cristina Barcelona - Elizabeth Jessica Sarajevo, see i can make up silly names too.

Viola Davis - Doubt - I don't know who you are. I wish I could use that killer "doubt" joke again.

Taraji P. Henson - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - You can just add random letters to normal names like that? Ok, i'm gonna be Michaelji then. I'll call my girlfriend Jillji and pet my dog Sandyji and then use the Johnji.

Marisa Tomei - The Wrestler - I much prefer her direct-to-video performance in The Foxy Boxer

This time maybe Marisa Tomei will win one for realz.


Auf der Strecke (On the Line) - don't care
Manon on the Asphalt - don't care
New Boy - don't care
The Pig - don't care
Spielzeugland (Toyland) - don't care

Next year it will be my short film, which you'll hear more about before long. Actually I don't care if it wins awards, but I do care that it makes all other shorts look like donkey anus. It will be the greatest short film in the history of all space, time, and matter. It will impregnate every man woman and child on earth and beyond with it's greatness. Or it'll suck, we'll see, I'm still editing.

And now for the big category, the one you've all been waiting for:


The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - I'll never forget the sound mixing in this movie. It touched me deeply.

The Dark Knight - The entire movie, i just kept thinking ... "wow the sound mixing is so good!"

Slumdog Millionaire - Indians are known mostly for their sound mixing.

WALL-E - All the kids care about is sound mixing. They get their sound mixing toys in Happy Meals, they have their sound mixing coloring books.

Wanted - Eh, I thought it could have been mixed better.

What a great Oscars it's going to be this year. I can't wait to not watch it and not care at all.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

10 Greatest Places To Poop!

There are a few things that all of us have in common. We all breath, we all eat, we all sleep, we all watch 20 hours of television a day, and we all make poop. Most of us are lucky enough to decide where that poop goes. And I've done hundreds of hours of intensive research to determine, once and for all, the ten greatest places to poop!

10. Christmas Toilet

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring not even a ... plop. Excuse me, as i was saying ... not a creature was stirring not even a ... plop plop ... DRUMP. Nothing gets you into the Christmas spirit more than a Christmas themed throne. Just install it under the mistletoe and put some presents under the tree ... if you know what i mean (wink.) I mean pooping.

Christmas toilet

9. This Fancy Bathroom

I don't know where this is. I don't know why there is a mannequin torso with abs and boobs. I don't know why I only see urinals. I don't know the answer to any of those things, but what I do know is that I really want to poop there. I'd feel like the Queen of England laying cable in a fancy joint like that. If anyone knows where this bathroom is, please contact me by email ... actually no time for that, call me or drive to my house, pick me up and take me there. Caveman felt compelled to paint on walls. I feel compelled to poop in a weirdo fancy bathroom.

fancy bathroom

8. Aquarium Toilet

Let's be honest, if nobody is looking and you don't feel like walking, ALL aquariums are toilets. But it's still fun to watch fish pass out, so the Aquarium Toilet makes the list.

aquarium toilet

7. Toilet Shaped House

If you spend millions of dollars to build a very aesthetically modern house, you are going to have to accept the fact that I will someday rent a helicopter, land on your roof and poop on it.

toilet shaped house

6. Two Way Mirror Public Bathroom

"You dirty brown eye bum lookers! That's right, keep walking, you don't know what I'm doing in here. I'm making an awful mess and none of you are any the wiser. Watch me! Press your face up against the glass and try to see me misuse the Kleenex. You can't! You can't see me! I am a God! Courtesy flushes for no one! Mwa ha ha!"

two way mirror bathroom

5. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt

Scientists have yet to discover an actual use for them, so maybe they're toilets.

heidi montag spencer pratt toilets

4. Baller-A$$ Toilet

Wanna poop like a rap star? Wanna drop a deuce like Liberace? Well I do! Look at this glorious toilet! I would sit there all day, eating caviar, drinking champagne and ordering my butler to wipe. "Gently this time Jeeves, you're not polishing a boot!"

baller toilet

3. Tricycle Toilet

What is the biggest problem in our society today? That's right, we don't have tricycle toilets. Imagine it ... you have to use the bathroom really bad, but at the same time, you really want to go for a slow leisurely stroll around your neighborhood. We've all been there. But with a tricycle toilet, all of my problems will be solved. I'll get a bean burrito and a paper route.

tricycle toilet

2. The Grand Canyon

Also known (by me) as God's toilet. The majesty. It'll make you feel so small and yet so regular.

grand canyon toilet

1. The Parking Lot of Super Kmart

The obvious choice. Overpriced junk, horrible customer service, terrible layout, misleading sales, oh my freakin' gawd I hate Kmart! How do they stay in business!? Why would anyone ever chose Kmart over Target or Wal Mart? Do they sell foam helmets at Kmart? Because you'd have to be retarded to shop there. Nothing would be greater than making your own blue light special right there next to the cart return. "Take this Kmart! Take this Martha Stewart! Your dishware is sub-par at best! ERRRRR Plop ... Fart"

super kmart parking lot

***Please visit my brand new website and enjoy the crap out of it: MNinstitute

     Thank you very much. I love you. - MRN

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Coldplay vs. Creaky Boards:

Grand Theft Auto

I know that U2 Coldplay is pretty popular with the kids today. And by "kids" I mean 38 year old soccer moms who love the appletinis at T.G.I.Fridays. I've been down that dark road : /

But did you know that Coldplay steals music from other lesser known bands and drowns street prostitutes? I can't back up the 2nd part of that sentence, but I can the first ... watch:

Creaky Boards version is way better and has a mustache. I know that feeling, I'm getting ripped off a lot by other people too. I'm noticing a lot of my posts being practically copied by the next day, and the same gas stations being robbed, and the same truck stop waitresses being humiliated in bathrooms. Stop copying what I do!!!!

coldplay sucks cat

Site News: You'll notice a lot of big changes to this site over the next few weeks. Guest contributors, tons of new tags, original videos, cures for cancer, and much much less. Tell the others and stay tuned!

Monday, January 19, 2009

Times I've been in the paper!

Happy Martin Luther King Day everybody! I just finished decorating the Martin Luther King tree and I'm hiding all the eggs in the Martin Luther King basket, and I'm waiting for the Martin Luther King fairy to arrive and plant a flag tree in my turkey and blah blah blarg ...

So since my website is really popular, and I'm about to unleash a baller movie, I've become the most famous man in the history of the universe, pretty much. But this isn't the first time I've gotten some notoriety. I've actually been in local newspapers many times. I always save the clippings.

newspaper headlines

... you stay away from my house!

newspaper headlines

... ok, so I made a mistake. In a completely unrelated note: babies DO NOT like being doused in hot sauce.

newspaper headlines

... in my defense, I was awesomely drunk.

newspaper headlines

... I also have a puppy named "Fire," and a bird named "Rape."

newspaper headlines

... laundry really piled up, so it was time.

newspaper headlines

... what?! I'm not gonna pay for it!

newspaper headlines

... the press got this one wrong! I am not anywhere near 38!

newspaper headlines

... you try not to say it. Just try it, it's a biological impossibility. Just like when old people fall, you break out in loud sustained laughter. It's out of your control.

newspaper headlines

... if it makes you feel better, it's mostly my urine ... mostly (wink)

newspaper headlines

... i know, i know. You're thinking: "MRN has a China cabinet?"

newspaper headlines

... that's a bargain. It'll leave your nips shiny.

newspaper headlines

... we'll leave yesterday.

newspaper headlines

... I just wanted people to know how freakin' awesome my car is.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Celebrities without makeup with makeup added!

I don't know about you, but nothing makes me feel better about myself than seeing other people at their worse. Midgets make me feel taller, obese people make me feel thinner, Carson Daly makes me feel like I don't have herpes, you get the idea. And so I was looking on the intrawebs and found some pictures of celebrities without makeup. And it actually made me feel kind of bad, i mean, they can't be expected to be perfect at all times. Plus I'm thinking ahead, and if my short movie helps make me ultra famous in the next year or so, I really don't want to have to be in full makeup every time I go out.

So I decided to use my advance image manipulating technology, and add makeup to the pictures of these poor unsuspecting celebrities. I feel like I did a good thing today. I deserve all these Hot Pockets on my desk.

We start with Courtney Cox, my 7th favorite "Friend." She's 60 now, she has 11 kids, so she's not always gonna look her best:

courtney cox without makeup

So using my advanced technology, I added a little lipstick, added some pink around the eyes to help bring out a more vibrant and healthy look:

courtney cox makeup

Next we have national treasure, Barbara Streisand. I'll never forget the impact she had on my life with her amazing performance as Skeksis in "The Dark Crystal." Google it.

barbara streisand no makeup

So what I did was bring out her eyes with some subtle blue eyeshadow, accentuated the eyebrows, brought out that winning smile with a touch of beautiful red lipstick and then brought out some color in the cheeks with a bit of pink:

barabara streisand makeup

When you think of the finest actresses of our time, who is the first woman to come to mind? That's right, Kristen Dunst. A lot of people make fun of her, call her snaggletooth and all of that. To be honest, I think she's a pretty girl. Even without makeup, she's good looking:

Kristen Dunst

However, we could all use a bit of help. For instance I would love to have something done about this third nipple on my forehead ... I'd like to get it pierced. So for Kirsten I first added a little bit of eyeliner to help bring out her beautifully little eyes, and then of course I added some lipstick. I think the lipstick really helps bring out her new smile, which took hours of painstaking work in order to increase the size of the teeth. Lets pretend her mouth is a 2nd grade classroom, no gum allowed.

Kirsten Dunst makeup

Remember Hellen Hunt? Famous of course for the wildly successful show, "Mad About You," that nobody ever watched. And for getting naked in "As Good As It Gets." And if that's as good as it gets then we're screwed : /

Helen Hunt no makeup

He's not a bad looking guy, but I just felt he could look a little more distinguished with a nice mustache and soul patch.

Helen Hunt mustache

There probably isn't a better singer-songwriter today than, Pink. But pink looks a little gray without all the makeup:

pink no makeup

I'll be honest, I really half-assed this one. I got distracted by a particularly interesting episode of Spongebob Squarepants and just sorta did this:

pink clown makeup

Finally what happens when you cross a world class actress with a bucket full of lemons? Renee Zellweger. Without makeup, Renee's looking a little ... i don't know, bee stingy?

renee zellweger

But don't worry, because she's looking like a trillion dollars after just a tiny bit of work around the eyes, and small dab of lipstick. Now that's Oscar worthy.

renee zellweger makeup

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