With this very difficult economy, one thing we can all appreciate is: homeless people doing jokes. We're not going to help them with the whole "house thing," but maybe we'll give them a nickle so they can feed their drug and alcohol addictions and continue to slowly kill themselves. Ba da ching. OMG this is the most depressing post ever!
So here are the top ten homeless signs!
10. Kidnapped Wife
Obviously sponsored by Signature Bakeries. I really like the art direction of this piece. The homeless man also gives us, the audience, a clear direction on this literary journey with the use of ornate arrows. This reminds us to read the word that is written next to the word we have just read. It's an ingenious device that expands our understanding of scholasticism. Also he smells like poop and pee.
9. Will Eat
On old one, but a classic. Favored by the more hefty of the dirty hippie population. A popular variation is the "will drink for beer." When you see a hippie with this sign, tase them.
8. No Legs
When God gives you lemons, drink yourself to oblivious, and pass out on a rail road track while trying to fiddle with yourself, then wake up legless with an awesome sign idea. We've all been there.
7. They Blew Up My Death Star
My favorite kind of homelessness: science fiction related.
6. DAH YIDIL - DAHH YI'DIL
Again ... best kind.
5. Need Money For ... WiFi
Homeless people need the intraweb too. What are they supposed to do? Look at porn in just magazines?! You heartless monsters.
Average sign, but if you look like a Wizard I will give you money. Before the credit crisis, this is how our economy worked.
3. Get In My Stable
Not really a homeless sign, but I appreciate the effort. In a completely unrelated note, I just got a new job :/
2. Snip Snip
It's not exactly "need money for food" but you gotta appreciate a man with a goal. His gain is the world's loss. If any man should father children, it's this man. I wish he was my dad. I wish he was everyone's dad.
1. This Guy
If you aren't like the vasectomy guy, then get down on your knees, and pray. Pray that you someday have a son who grows up EXACTLY like this man. This man is why caveman painted on walls. This man is why America is great. This man is why God is good. This man is why the sky is blue, grass is green, and Carson Daly strangles prostitutes. This man is why we get up every morning, put our tights on, and go to work. This is what we're fighting for overseas. If you don't love this man, you don't know how to love.
He's not homeless. He probably lives in a castle. He's not blind. He probably has hawk-like sight. And he's not sorry. Nor should he ever be.
Happy Fat Tuesday! According to what the internet told me, "Mardi Gras" means "Fat Tuesday." And it always happens on the day before "Ash Wednesday," which is 3 days before "Caturday." Based on what google images showed me, Fat Tuesday is a day for skanks from all over the world to go to bars, and show their spider-veined boobs in order to receive plastic beads and STD's. It's just like Easter.
Now to increase my web traffic, and hate mail from pervs .... here are the hottest Mardi Gras topless pics on the internet!
... I bet that carpet matches the drapes.
... why beaches are AWESOME.
... that's what I'm talkin' about. Daaaaaauuumn.
... sometimes I question the direction of my life.
... you don't need to reach for those stars, I see them in your smile!
Wait no, that's actually corn : /
Live Oscar Commentary. Hit REFRESH on your browser about every 15 minutes.
8:30pm: The Oscars just started. It's already so gay, I just got hemorrhoids.
8:35pm: Wolverine is singing.
8:40pm: Now Wolverine is talking a lot.
8:41pm: The Cleveland Cavaliers are up 36 to 19 over the Pistons!
8:43pm: Back to the Oscars. I must have missed something. Now 5 ladies are on stage talking about blah blah blah, cooking or something, whatever women talk about.
8:46pm: Whoopi Goldberg is dressed like a cheetah.
8:47pm: Goldi Hawn is dressed like a whore.
8:48pm: Penelope Cruz just won for best supporting actress. My first Oscar prediction is wrong. How will I show my face around public now?! Penelope is now thanking people or something it's all "blah blah blah." Her boobs looks awesome. She just said art is great and crap. And now she's speaking Spanish, or speaking in tongues, I can never tell the difference.
8:50pm: The Cavs are up 43 to 23!
8:53pm: Now Steve Martin and Tina Fey are doing jokes ... i think? What the hell happened to Steve Martin?! Remember when he use to be funny and wasn't making abominations like Pink Panther?! I bet they give the award to Milk. People like beverages. Yep ... Milk won. Which gives great hope for my screenplay, "Goat Milk." It's a beautiful story about a goat, a gay goat. Now the guy who won is saying he wants to get gay married.
Now they are giving out the award for best adapted screenplay. Whoever wins this will probably win best picture. I guess the Indian Dog thing. Yep, Slumdog Millionaire won. It's going to win a ton of stuff tonight. Indian food gives me the hot farts.
9:04pm: They just showed Angelina Jolie laughing at something Jennifer Aniston said. I've never cared more about anything in my life ... yay now they are showing cartoons! Oh lord, they are even making the cartoons boring and gay :/
9:06pm: Wall-E just won for best documentary.
9:07pm: Cavs are up 61 to 31! They are such a better team with Delonte West back at shooting guard. Cavs are going all the way this year!
9:10pm: They just gave the best short cartoon award to some Jap thing. I don't know what. Probably Pokemon or something. The Japanese guy just said "Domo arigato Mr. Roboto." I swear to God.
9:16pm Now James Bond and a Horse (Daniel Craig and Sarah Jessica Parker) are talking about art direction. This is what people really want to see. Benjamin Button just won, and two boring people are thanking people and nobody cares and everybody is thinking about killing themselves.
Now they are going to give out an award for costumes. They are playing like jazz music in the back. I HATE jazz music. Watching a horse talking about costumes, while jazz music plays, throw in Hitler raping you, and you have the exact description of Hell.
OMG! WTF!!!??? Bond and Skank In The City are still on stage ruining my life with this never ending blabber about awards NOBODY cares about! This one is for best makeup. They gave it to Benjamin Button for making a creepy old man baby. The gay guy who won is thanking people, and i think he is gassy. He just put his hand on his chest and made a little fart/burp.
9:27pm: Now a couple young people I never heard about are introducing a video montage about love in last year's movies. This is actually pretty good, i like this ... oops, i accidentally turned the channel, i was watching a Buick commercial. Back to the Oscars. This is horrible. Still half-time of the Cavs game : /
9:30pm: I'm pouring a glass of 3 dollar wine. And ... it begins. Mwa ha ha.
9:35pm: Natalie Portman and I think Joaquin Phoenix (i think? i don't know, he had a beard) just gave an award for something to some guy from Slum Dog Millionaire. I don't know. Cavs are up 76 to 48.
9:42pm: Some Pineapple Express bit about the movies and I don't know. I'm just not sure I can keep watching this crap ... wait a minute ... this next one sort of applies to me! Best Live Action Short! They are showing the nominees ... they are are total crap. Some German thing won. It was probably about Nazi's or beer or something, whatever.
9:54pm: Now Wolverine and Beyonce are doing karaoke songs. Wolverine just said "the musical is back." I'm seriously debating purchasing a firearm tonight.
10:06pm: Now a bunch of actors and ... Christopher Walken are licking the taint's of the actors nominated for best supporting actor. Of course this is going to Heath Ledger. I wonder who will accept for him. Wouldn't it be horrible if they just rolled out his coffin and stuck the Oscar inside? I would die. I mean, i would be shocked.
Heath Ledger won of course. His family is going up to accept now. No more jokes for a few minutes : /
10:11pm: Cavs are up 97 to 72.
10:14pm: Now the slimy Bill Maher is saying there is no God. One person clapped, probably the prostitute he paid to be his date. He's giving the award for Best Documentary that nobody will ever watch. And the winner is ... it doesn't matter, nobody will ever see any documentary ever. Documentaries are boring. Except for the prison ones on MSNBC on weekends. Ever watch those? I love those. Especially the women in prison ones. Pretty much can't go wrong with women in prison. Some foreigner won. He balanced the Oscar on his chin.
Now another documentary won for the category of "longer and even more boring." Now some bitch is up there being all like "lucky me, lucky me." I'm now loading the gun.
10:23pm: Cavs won! Cavs are going all the way! Now back to the gay superbowl :/
10:25pm: I'm making hot pockets.
10:27pm: Nothing happened.
10:32pm: Some Indian guy won best sound something for Slumdog Millionaire. LOLZ, I love when Indian people talk. They are so cute. He's all like "my country has been silenced blah blah blah, thank you come again."
10:43pm: Eddie Murphy is about to give a lifetime achievement (about to die) award to Jerry Lewis for helping crippled kids or something. My friend Elin just pointed out: where is America's Funniest Home Videos? That's a good point. I'd really rather be watching people getting whacked in the balls with wiffle-ball bats than this abomination.
10:50pm: Oh gawd. Now an orchestra is playing a bunch of scores. I'm going to clean my ears.
10:51pm: I think there is something in my ear. I'm going to try and get it with a q-tip.
10:52pm: Pretty sure it was my ear drum :/ But I got it.
10:53pm: Zack Effron and Alecia Keys blah blah blah, best score goes to the Indian dog thing. Another adorable Indian guy is giving an adorable little speech. "Thank you for calling tech support, how may I help you."
10:55pm: Now Indian people are singing and dancing. And now some black guy is singing and Africans are singing and dancing. This is like a show at Epcot Center. Now more Indian people. This time a girl and guy are singing "yucky yucky yucky." To be clear when I say "Indian." I mean the dot ones not the feather ones. I like the dot ones. I could do without the feather ones. I don't trust them. I always think they are still pissed about the whole stealing their land thing. And the winner for best songs is .... A. R. Rahckman (sp?) for the song "Jai Ho." People sure do love Indians this year. Indian is the new black.
11:06pm: Liam Neeson and some (shocking) Indian girl are giving out the award for best foreign film. Japanese people won. They are almost as adorable as Indian people. But not as adorable, since they love so much weird crap. If they weren't so into sniffing panties and sex robots, then they would be the most adorable nationality. Instead they are more like "aw ... uh ... ew."
11:10pm: Right now like 600 people are watching this live blog. Ha! Sucks to be you! Now they are showing all the dead people. They really should ask people not to applaud. It's like popularity contest for dead people. Or maybe they are applauding because they are happy they are dead. That's probably it.
11:20pm: Reese Witherspoon just announced that Danny Boyle won for best Director of Slumdog Millionaire. Surprise, he's not even Indian. Boring. From now on, I only want Indian people to win stuff.
11:26pm: Now a bunch of old dust bags are talking about how great the chicks nominated for best actress are. Kate Winslet is going to win this. Kate Winslet sure does like getting naked in movies. In a completely unrelated note: I enjoy Kate Winslet movies. Well, usually like 3 minutes of them, or 6 minutes on slow motion. I'm very lonely : /
Sophia Loren looks wonderful for having died 10 years ago.
Angelina Jolie looks wonderful for just having those octuplets.
Kate Winslet won. I wonder if she's going to flash her hoo-ha? Nothing! She was on stage for like 3 minutes and didn't even pop out a titty! Jeez, take the award back.
11:38pm: Now a bunch of actors are giving verbal reach-arounds to the actors nominated for best guy actor. Blahbiddy blah blah ... I just hope Micky Rourke wins. He's crazy, and looks like he was mulled by a mountain lion, but i don't care. He's cool, and his speech will be insane.
BOOOO! BOOOOO! They gave it to Sean Penn. Weak. Now he's giving a speech about how people who voted against gay marriage are bad but then immediately praises Barack Obama. Even though Obama is against gay marriage. Stop that Sean Penn, you are confusing me! What am I supposed to believe?! I decide these things based on award show speeches! Sean Penn is the smartest man alive. If Mickey Rourke had won, he'd be thanking his dog and flipping people off by now. This is why nobody watches the Oscars. Except for people with blogs and 3 dollar wine.
11:52pm: This has seriously been the most boring thing I've ever seen. Here are things I'd have rather done than watched this show:
- Let Oprah give me a tongue bath. - Give Oprah a tongue bath. - Watch The Carson Daly show. - Be on The Carson Daly show. - Give Oprah a tongue bath on the Carson Daly show.
Oh btw, Slumdog Millionaire won. I'll add it to Netflix and live my life till then.
The Oscars suck, but thanks to everyone who followed this first live blog! A lot of you did. And ... I apologize for the shame I have brought my friends and family.
my pre-show predictions:
best picture: Slumdog Millionaire (yeah it won, blah blah blah) best actor: Mickey Rourke (wrong, I say the Oscars were wrong and I was right) best actress: Kate Winslet (nailed it, not her though) best director: Danny Boyle (i was right) best supporting actor: Heath Ledger (yep, he won) best supporting actress: Amy Adams (whatever, i was wrong)
Welcome to a brand new feature! Every Friday (my lowest traffic day of the week ... jerks) will now be "WTF Friday." I'll be bringing you the most WTF thing I found on the intrawebs all week! I usually find these things while looking for pictures of my real dad :/
This week I bring you Yakuta Yuzimotto giving Japanese businessman, Toshi Yamatto a little taste. He's just going to be hungry again in an hour : / ba da ching
Don't forget to tune in this Sunday during the Oscars, for my live, real time Oscar blogging. This will be a first. And it will be very disappointing.
A 14 year old Wisconsin girl was arrested for text messaging in school. Yay! Nazi Germany is fun! Read here: Girl arrested for texting.
What ever happened to detention?! Jeebus, I would have been given the electric chair. The article explains that after being frisked, they found the phone in between her buttocks. Since when is that a crime? If storing electronic devices in your butt is wrong, I don't want to be right. In completely unrelated news: my blender smells like farts.
I actually don't have one of those cell thingies. You kids and your fancy space phones, spending all day talking to Captain Kirk and crap. For my money nothing beats a rotary phone. I don't need your high-falutin' Nintendo machines. In my day if we wanted to talk to our friends, we walked 10 miles and trapped a wild badger in a cage and agitated the hell out of it with sticks. I don't know why we did that. But we did. And we were better for it.
Watch this video. What else are you going to do with the next 6 minutes of your life? Cure cancer? Just watch.
Besides being a talented upholstery critic. (your couch looks stupid) I'm also a bit of a history buff. I particularly love Presidential history. And with 15 minutes left before President's Day is over, now is a good time to share with you some fun facts about each of our 44 presidents!
- We all know that George Washington cut down a cherry tree because he feared cherries had intentions of male on male rape. But did you know that he also was our first President? Just a fun fact that you probably didn't know.
- John Adams was our first vice president and according to Paul Giamatti was one of the most important and brilliant of our founding fathers. But few people know that he was also very talented at giving succulent rub downs. I'm talking about Paul Giamatti. Wink.
- Was the principle crafter of the Declaration of Independence. And loved having sexual intercourse with his African slave. The original Declaration of Independence was pretty much all about that. But it was changed by Benjamin Franklin. The famous line: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness," was originally written as: "I sure love having dirty slave sex."
4. James Madison
- Invented the thong.
5. James Monroe
- Collected nude pictures of bears.
6. John Quincy Adams
- Changed the Constitution to declare that "John Quincy gets all kind of play from bitches."
- Invented Cheetos, then outlawed it. The people just weren't ready. They just weren't ready.
8. Martin Van Buren
- Sexy dancer.
9. William Henry Harrison
- Member of the Whig party. The pubic Whig party.
10. John Tyler
- Had all the bitches get up on that fat sack.
11. James Knox Polk
- Loved the movie Cool Runnings.
12. Zachary Taylor
- Was the first to declare, "two in the pink, one in the stink."
13. Millard Fillmore
- Came from the future just to beat down little pussy-ass bitches in the past. Rode a Tyrannosaurus Rex and tore off his own leg to replace it with a baller-ass space laser gun. Shot lasers at every single bitch who got up in his face and drank dolphin blood just to show how badass he was.
14. Franklin Pierce
- At 24 he was elected to the New Hampshire legislature; two years later he became its Speaker. During the 1830's he went to Washington, first as a Representative, then as a Senator.
15. James Buchanan
- No relation to Pete Buchanan. Pete Buchanan lives on my street.
- Didn't do much.
17. Andrew Johnson
- 8 feet tall. 10 feet wide.
18. Ulysses Simpson Grant
- Cougar hunter.
19. Rutherford Birchard Hayes
- Created the "Rutherford Birchard Hayes" name craze that has never died down.
20. James Abram Garfield
- Loved lasagna and driving Jon and Odie crazy.
21. Chester Alan Arthur
- Not real.
22. Grover Cleveland
- Had a mustache that tickled children's bellies.
23. Benjamin Harrison
- Killed for sport.
24. Grover Cleveland
- Had a beard that tickled children's bellies.
25. William McKinley
- Had his home in the town of Niles, Ohio. This home is near me for realz, and apparently he had aluminum siding, and direct tv.
26. Theodore Roosevelt.
- Teddy Bears are named after him. I think that actually might be true. Also, raped an ostrich.
27. William Howard Taft
Had the biggest titties of any of the 44 Presidents. But not the nicest.
28. Woodrow Wilson.
- Was a kangaroo.
29. Warren Gamaliel Harding
- Invented the snuggie. Was originally meant to smother children.
30. Calvin Coolidge
- Lactose tolerant.
31. Herbert Clark Hoover
- President during the great depression. It wasn't great, it was awesome.
32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt
- Famous for being our 2nd president.
33. Harry S Truman
- More like hairy Truman. oh snap
34. Dwight David Eisenhower
- "Dwight!" What a loser.
- Killed by John Wilkes Booth. It was gang related.
36. Lyndon Baines Johnson
- Coffee breath.
- Everything was fine. Nothing happened, don't worry about it.
38. Gerald Rudolph Ford Jr.
- Starred in Caddyshack.
39. James Earl Carter
- I think I heard somewhere that he was a "penis farmer?" That's a strange occupation. I don't even know how that would work.
- Did an awesome Reagan impression.
41. George Herbert Walker Bush
- Made millions selling the rest of his names.
42. William Jefferson Clinton
- Perfect gentleman.
43. George W. Bush
- Our first black president.
44. Barack Obama
- Our first Chinese president.
I hope you learned a lot about all of our nations presidents. If you'd like to learn more, visit your local library. They have computers with internet there where you can find pictures of nude celebrities. Learning is fun!
It's been six months and one hundred posts. Three more months and I can finally poop out this internet baby for Angelina Jolie to love. This site's popularity has grown faster than my nipple hair. It's first month, August, had just 493 viewers. Last month I had 32,610 viewers, and this month I look to shatter that number.
How do I do it? What is the key to my succulent and sexy emerging success? Is it a combination of my extreme wit, and boyish yet rugged good looks? Is it my "say and do anything" attitude? Is it all this 3 dollar wine and possible mental retardation? Yes, it's all of those things.
Lets all sit back, have more 3 dollar wine, remove our pants to air out our shame, and take a look back at 6 months and 100 baller-ass posts on the greatest website since www.RandyUnicornsWithoutPants.com.
It started at the end of summer when I was getting bored just entertaining people on my awesome myspace page. So I decided to branch out, spread some disease among the masses and begin MRNspace dot com.
It began, as it is in the bible, with pictures of cats that have funny captions. It is both my greatest love and my greatest pain. It will someday be the ruin of me, it will someday be the ruin of us all.
But it soon became clear that cat pictures alone would not hold an audience of confused teens. So I had to do more. I poked fun at homosexual and lesbian celebrities. I didn't know which category Carson Daly fit in.
But it wasn't enough, you people wanted more. And I delivered harder than that crazy lady with the octuplets. By now, her stretch marks must look like an ant farm connected to a gaping vagina. So I gave you people more. I pretended to run for president of these united taints.
But while my candidacy inexplicably got the attention of local drag queens. I did not win. Instead you people picked the black guy. It's like the high school basketball team all over again. Except this time, a gym teacher wasn't wearing polyester shorts that showed the detailed outline of his testicles and penis. Actually, you know what? It was pretty much the same.
I had no choice but to go back to my bread and butter. And you loved it more than you love meth. And you people sure seem fond of meth : /
But in my infinite charity, I gave even more. I showed you NOM NOM NOM. And you were in ecstasy.
But it wasn't good enough. You soon demanded yet even more. My blood was running thin, I had so little more to give. So I had to dig deep. I looked inside, past the pain, past the nightmares of my existence, underneath my baller liver, I found even more to give. I found Techno Viking.
But my greatness was only beginning. I gave so, so, so much more. I pleased the most loyal of the internet visitor: the nerd. I made fun of your precious Star Treks and Star Wars. You pleased yourself many a time with nothing more than a picture of Princess Leia and a jar of Vaseline. So I gave the audience what they wanted.
However, even as I lie exhausted on the ground, you again asked for even more. You wanted every last drop. You heartless bastards. But I dug deep, and found the strength to oblige.