Sham Wow Guy Sex Quote Game!

I told you people! A couple of weeks ago I explained that The Sham Wow guy, Vince, was clearly the leader of a dangerous sex cult. You can read here: Slap Chop Sex Cult

Well it turns out I was obviously correct. Vince Shlomi was recently arrested for getting into a physical fight with a prostitute. Read here: Sham Pow

I'm sure the fellas in the jail loved his nuts.



So lets again play "fill in the blanks" with the best quotes from the Slap Chop commercial!



Here are the rules: I've taken some of Vince's best quotes, and blanked out a word. Pick your favorite quote then fill in the dirty word of your choice and leave it as a comment. Next week I'll list the top ten "Sham Wow Guy Sex Quotes!"



"Hi its Vince with _______!"


"You’re gonna be in a great mood all day, cause you’re gonna be slappin your troubles with _______."


"And now look at this, when you add a _______ the more you do it, the finer it gets."


"Now, you love _______, you hate making it. You know you hate making _______ that’s why you don’t have any _______ in your _______. Now watch this, one slap, _______!"


"Now I love _______ too, but once in a while, get the _______ in, at least throw it on top of the _______."


"This thing, this _______ looks boring. Stop having a boring _______, stop having a boring life. Add this _______, putting it in like this, now you’re going to have a nice, _______. Look at this, you’re gonna have an exciting life now."


"Look here’s a hard _______. One _______, you add the pickle..."


"You’re gonna love my nuts."


"Watch this _______. Comes with a _______ so you can do everything in the _______. Alright, or you can do it on the _______, whatever you like. So easy, one finger, if I can do it with one finger you guys can do it with your whole hand. Kids can do it."


Stop throwing your _______ away. You know, not only nuts, what about _______? Put a _______, look at that, isn’t that beautiful on your _______?


"The reason you’re gonna slap away everyday is cause its so easy to clean."


"The _______ with the skin, alright this is making you cry, making me cry. Alright _______'s hard enough as it is."


"You hit it like this. Guys we’re gonna make _______ _______ again. One slap at a time!"


"Put it in the _______, take it out when you need it. Pass it around the table. You’re gonna love this thing."


Related posts: Numa Numa Best Quotes

WTF Friday 6!

No, you aren't drunk. Well, maybe you are drunk. I don't really know you. But it's 3pm in the afternoon, so I doubt you're drunk. I'm a little drunk. Anyway ... you'll feel drunk after looking at this:



Yet another reason why I hate love Japanese people. Oh Japanese people, you've given us so much. You've given us compact cars, a sense of dominance in World War 2, and you've give us a lifetime of "WTF." Domo!

Kiyoshiro & Chabo sing the Beatles!

Ladies and Gentleman, Pre-op transsexuals, Post-op transsexuals, hermaphrodites, and Taiwanese Ladyboys, I present to you, the greatest singing duo since Paul Simon and Art Garfunkiealableturewhatever-his-name-is, .... I present to you:



Kiyoshiro & Chabo!

Enjoy as Kiyoshiro & Chabo sing the music of a famous Japanese group called the Beatles:






Thanks to my friend Elin for finding this. Thanks Elin for being into this kind of stuff.

MRN RANTS!

Get down on your knees and welcome a new feature, "MRN RANTS!" You will love it and you will agree with everything I say, or I will destroy your village. Like most people, instead of blood and organs, I'm filled with anger. I gots the angry real bad sometimes. I just don't know what to do with it. I can't destroy the world, but I can't not destroy it either. It's a tough one. So, for the sake of humanity and the physical planet itself, it's best that I find ways to vent. So I will, on occasion, use my baller-a$$ website to let the angry out.

Today's topic: People I'm pretty damn sick of.

5. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag



WHO THE MOTHER EFFIN F ARE YOU MOTHER EFFERS?!!!??? You don't actually DO anything! You just exist, you just breath my precious air, drink my succulent water, drive on my sexy roads, and live in my hellish world. Well stop it, all of it. You are fake people on a fake "reality" show about fake people who live in a fake world and do fake things. I'm pretty damn sure neither one of you even have genitals. You are barbie and ken, all plastic with nothing up or downstairs. You disgust me. You are like buttholes on elbows, completely useless. Do me and the rest of the world a great big effin favor ... STOP. Just stop. No... shhh ... stop. Just stop. All of it. No more ... just ... stop.

4. Madonna



Sick dude, sick! You are old. You look old. You act young. It's confusing and creepy. You are not even a MILF, you are bordering GILF age, minus the "F." You are just a GIL. You look like Skeletor after years of abusing meth. You look like a Kentucky Fried Chicken dinner after all the chicken has been eaten. You look like black death. I fear you. If I went to one of your concerts, I would think the Grim Reaper had come to take me to jeebus. Stop scaring kids, puppies, and heterosexuals. Your skin is so translucent, you look like a new species of squid that scientist discovered on a deep sea expedition. You need to wear clothes now. It's over.

3. Oprah



Oh yes I am. I sure am about to make fun of Oprah. She seems harmless enough at first, but keep looking ... she's one of the worst people in America. How did she become famous? Here's how: she did crap tv for a decade, the worst kind of Jerry Springer-type shows. Shows about "fat hermaphrodite prostitute skinheads who marry their daughters." Actually, that was a good show, but the rest of it was complete and total tabloid crap. Then one day Oprah put down her bucket of chicken-pot pies and decided to be all lofty and high brow. Bullshit. I call bullshit. She made her money and fame by doing the worst kind of tv and then suddenly pretended that never happened and she was above all of that. The only thing Oprah is above is the 200 pound mark.



Why the fat jokes you ask? Because nobody deserves them more than her. She was always a big lady. Fine, who cares? Then she spent a summer on a big diet (yeah right) and came back as super skinny Oprah. She told her audience that she did it with diet and exercise. And I guess diet and exercise magically took care of the million pounds of extra skin she would have had too. And thus began the parade of diet gurus that would help her and the millions of sheep in her audience lead a life of dangerous yo-yo dieting. She's probably caused more physical harm to women than Mike Tyson with a suitcase full of roofies.

Every year it was a different size, and a different diet. Every season she swore to her audience this was the only way to live. And the dum-dums in the audience obeyed and followed, and had the same effects that Oprah had. They got thin, then got super fat again. Diet's don't work. Just don't eat junk, and work out. That's it. That's the big effin secret, but Oprah can't do a years worth of shows pitching that. So she has to pretend that there is a new miracle way to live. And the people who follow her every word spend all their money and time doing as she says and ending up the same as her. With one big difference: They don't have a billion dollars, just a big butt.

p.s. Stop preaching to people that the power of positive thought will make everything better. I bet for years you thought you wouldn't be in your 50's, out of shape, addicted to gurus, no kids, no husband, and nothing to leave behind except for a list of shitty books, boring tv shows, and dozens of dogs that no matter how much you pretend, don't really fill up the emptiness.

2. Bill Maher



You look weird.

1. Carson Daly



I'm not saying Carson Daly is the anti-Christ, but Carson Daly is the anti-Christ. What's the difference between Carson Daly and the Black Plague? The Black Plague ended. As I've said before, my girlfriend and Carson Daly have the same banker, so he's practically family. That's why it's ok for me to say all this about him. Remember when Carson Daly was entertaining? No? Remember when Carson Daly had a really great t.v. show? No? Remember when Carson Daly had a purpose for living his life other than licking the testicles of boy bands from the turn of the century? No? That's because Carson Daly has never done anything good or meaningful in his life. He has a horrible t.v. show that nobody watches, but it's cheaper to air it at 3am than it is to turn off the broadcasting equipment. He has no real talent, he can't interview, he can't tell jokes, he can't host. He just is. He's sort of like a bowel movement. It's shitty, and it happens 5 nights a week. (I probably should have more fiber)

People often ask me, "MRN, why do you hate Carson Daly so much? I mean, he's not even really that famous." It has nothing to do with fame. It has to do with a man with no talent, no ideas, no opinions, no thoughts, no purpose for being, and likely no human blood. Everything Carson Daly is, I strive to be the opposite of. He's not an evil man. He's not a man.

The End.

WTF Friday 5!

"WTF is a one?!"

Find The Hidden Image!

I'm back, after taking a few days off to reverse my reversed vasectomy. It shoots out my nose now : /

One of my favorite things to do besides huffing gasoline and mugging, is finding the hidden images in pictures. It's great fun for the whole family and makes you feel like a real big man. So I've compiled some of the very best hidden image pictures on the internet and then huffed more gasoline. Then woke up in some elderly Asian lady's house and then things got weird. And by "weird" I mean, extremely sexual. Anyhoo ...

Scroll down slowly so you don't ruin the surprise.

Lets start with this pretty picture. Can you find the hidden image in this snowy mountain shot?



That's right, horses. That was an easy one.



Try this one ... believe it or not, there is a hidden image in this picture of a bear. See if you can find it, take your time, trust me, it's there.



Did you have any luck? Well, good job, you found it! There is a hidden image of a horse in the picture!



Can you find the hidden image in this next picture? You're going to have to look really hard to find it. But I promise you there is a hidden image.



You probably gave up on that one. But if you look really closely, you will find an image of a tree.



I'll give you a hint on this next one. Somewhere in this picture, there is an image of a cat. You have to look hard. Good luck!



That was a hard. I'll show you where it was.



Because this next one will take you hours to find it, I'll give you a hint. In this picture of a beautiful woman, there is a hidden image of a tiger. You have to look close, but see if you can find it on your own.



Still didn't find it? Try again. Still can't? Here it is:



Can you find the hidden truck in this next picture?



That was an easy one. I've circled it below:



Here is another hidden image of a cat. Somewhere in this picture, there is a cat. Do you see it? Look closely.



How did you do? Did you find it? That's right, here it is:



One last one. I know it's hard to believe, but somewhere in this picture of a street sign, there is a car. Can you find the car? Don't worry if it takes you a long time, it took me nearly an hour.



I know, too hard. But with a little luck you might just have found it. Here is the answer below:

New posts again tomorrow!

I've been extremely busy (my shows are on) and I haven't been able to update. But I'll be back and worse than ever starting tomorrow!

WTF Friday 4!

It's Friday again, that means it's time for America's Iran's favorite blog posting, WTF Friday!!! Yay!

This week we have a picture of proper prenatal care. My mom did this sort of thing when I was a bun in the oven. That's why I now have to wear special pants : /

Slap Chop Secret Sex Cult!

What seems like a simple commercial for a groundbreaking and wonderful product, is in fact the brainwashing device of a dangerous sex cult.



Buried throughout the commercial are dozens of secret codes. Codes in which fellow members understand fully. And codes that are designed to creep into the subconscious of an unsuspecting public.

Need proof? Here are some of the things "Vince" says that clearly have double meanings. Dirty, dirty double sex meanings. I've taken out the word from each sentence that is clearly a code word. The actual word is probably either "masturbating," "penis," "vagina," "taint" or some other dirty, dirty sex word.

UPDATE: I've learned that this has become a game people are playing. They are inserting their own dirty words in the sentences below. Make your own and leave them as a comment!

"Hi its Vince with _______!"



"You’re gonna be in a great mood all day, cause you’re gonna be slappin your troubles with _______."



"And now look at this, when you add a _______ the more you do it, the finer it gets."



"Now, you love _______, you hate making it. You know you hate making _______ that’s why you don’t have any _______ in your _______. Now watch this, one slap, _______!"



"Now I love _______ too, but once in a while, get the _______ in, at least throw it on top of the _______."



"This thing, this _______ looks boring. Stop having a boring _______, stop having a boring life. Add this _______, putting it in like this, now you’re going to have a nice, _______. Look at this, you’re gonna have an exciting life now."



"Look here’s a hard _______. One _______, you add the pickle..."




"You’re gonna love my nuts."



"Watch this _______. Comes with a _______ so you can do everything in the _______. Alright, or you can do it on the _______, whatever you like. So easy, one finger, if I can do it with one finger you guys can do it with your whole hand. Kids can do it."



Stop throwing your _______ away. You know, not only nuts, what about _______? Put a _______, look at that, isn’t that beautiful on your _______?



"The reason you’re gonna slap away everyday is cause its so easy to clean."



"The _______ with the skin, alright this is making you cry, making me cry. Alright _______'s hard enough as it is."



"You hit it like this. Guys we’re gonna make _______ _______ again. One slap at a time!"



"Put it in the _______, take it out when you need it. Pass it around the table. You’re gonna love this thing."



See ... I told you. Dirty sex cult.

Related Posts: Sham Wow Guy Sex Quotes

Bull Skit Productions!

Listen, some of my homies have a comedy group called Bull Skit. Did you like Pete and Pete? Did you like The State? Did you like Schindler's List? Then you'll like this. Don't be a dick about it, just watch and visit their myspace: Bull Skit Productions

Here is one of the 27,000 videos they have done. It's called Russell. You will watch all of it, and you will take pleasure from it! Take pleasure or I swear to jeebus I will ruin you.

Russell

Ever wanted to see a turtle have sex with a shoe?

Of course you have!

NSFW (turtle penis)





And did somebody say Turtles? I will use any excuse ever, to show this, the greatest video in the history of all things:

10 Greatest Google Street Views!

A few years ago, our new lord Google, began driving around the streets of America and taking panoramic pictures to add to Google Maps. Praise be Google's name. Please mighty Google do not strike me down with your space lasers, I am a good man, I never hurt nobody. Except for the children. Please spare me!

Some of the things that Google's camera's caught were LOL and WTF worthy. Here are the 10 greatest:

10. Crosswalks Are Dangerous




Look both ways next time hippie!

9. Perfect Crime



When breaking into a gated house, may i suggest the cover of darkness next time. It always works for me. But to be fair, I've only tried nursing homes. I steal their hard candy. They steal my heart.

8. Whale Tail



Arg, there she blows.

7. Fertilizing



At least have some decency and get behind the sign.

6. Almost



You find this when you search the town of Whoresville. Greatest city ever.

5. Mwa ha ha



I have to admit, I did this. But it wasn't a prank. I wasn't being malicious at all. The notes were all just little reminders. Reminders like, "don't forget to pick up some milk," and "we're low on toilet paper," and "stop being such a bitch."

4. Mexicans



Realmente no puedo hablar español; solo aprendí unas frases de una página web.

3. My Parents



No shirt, no shoes, no problem. I think we've all been there. Our old lady is riding us about something not important, like treason. We walk outside our motel room to get away but the nagging doesn't stop. Next thing you know our shame and awesome outfit is on google maps.

2. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!



HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Dumbass.


1. Most Awesome Guy Ever



I don't know who this man is. I don't know how this happened. But we must find this man. We must find him because we need him. He, and he alone, is the only one who can save our economy.

WTF Friday 3!

It's Friday, that means it's time for WTF Friday! Yay! I had to change my hosting for previous WTF Friday's because they were banned. I don't like being banned. I like being able to say whatever the sam-heck I want.

If I want to say something like "Vagina Sandwich," then I should have the freedom to do so. I don't even want to say it, but knowing that I might not be able to, makes me want to say it a 100 times. Watch:

Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich, Vagina Sandwich,

Don't censor me, it only makes it worse.

And now for this week's WTF Friday. Here we have Lindsay Chesterfield, a fine young lady who obviously has a serious handicap: night blindness. But she doesn't let it get her down. She's loving life, she's loving the color pink and she's loving having a horse living in an underground secret base. Wait, what?! See, now it's a double WTF! You're welcome. And also ... Vagina Sandwich.

10 Ways To Fix Our Economy!

Our economy is in peril. With each passing day, more and more wealth is lost in this country. More jobs are lost, more homes are lost, more credit is revoked, and more and more people go to sleep with nothing but worry. Our government is clueless, our business leaders are inept. There is only one person who can save us from an economic depression. That man is of course .... Wilfred Brimley. But he has the diabeetus and can't leave the house. So I guess I'll have to do it.

Here are the top ten best ways to save our economy:

10. Monkeys




Get as many monkeys as you can, and just let 'em loose. Flood the streets with monkeys and lemurs. Put them everywhere, our cities, our rural communities, suburbia. Just put out thousands and thousand of monkeys. Then ... profit.

9. Stop Wiping

Toilet paper is expensive and using it is both time consuming and confusing. Eliminate it's use and you will save literally a million-trillion-thousand dollars every day. I suggest instead of wasteful wiping, we all just get used to the smell.

8. Sham Wow




Easily removes cola, wine and pet stains. Doesn't drip, doesn't make a mess. Washes, dries, and polishes any surface. Won't scratch any surface. Machine washable and bleachable. Lasts ten years. Cures Aids. Also causes Aids.

7. New Gold




Gold is very valuable. But there isn't very much of it. So lets pick something else and just start calling that thing gold. Like, lets start saying that bird shit is gold. We have tons of that. My car is covered in it. My car is worth a million dollars now because it's covered in gold.

6. Canada


<

Why? No really, why? Why haven't we just taken it?! It's America's hat. It's ours! It's our right! Let just take it and sell it. C'mon. Don't be a pussy about this. Let's just go take Canada. What are they going to do about it? Stop us with their army? Hahaha, jigga please. I say we invade Canada, take the good side of the Falls and their 3 cities. We can sell that stuff and make lots of sweet money. I would suggest we do the same thing with Mexico but have you seen those people?! They have like machine guns. Canada has like Nerf bats.

5. MRNspace Dot Com

This has quickly become the greatest website in the history of mankind. But why? Why is this website so baller? Why is it so groundbreaking and funny? Because of me. I dominate and rule. I rule you. I have had relations with all of your mothers. I own you. You work for me now. Base the economy on this website. Change all currency to MRN's. It will cost you 4 MRN's to buy a pack of Skoal.

4. Your Mom

Your Mom has money. She's just been keeping it from you. When she goes to the store, search her room. You'll find it. She's been hiding a lot of things from you. Not just the money. Did you know your real dad is in prison?

3. Sell Idaho




What the hell is Idaho?! Sell it to Ireland. They freakin' love potatoes. We don't use it.

2. Carson Daly

I don't know what kind of deal with the devil he signed. But Carson Daly actually has money. I know for a fact. My girlfriend and him have the same banker. His banker says he has money. How did we let this happen? How did we let Carson Daly have money? You know what he does with it don't you? He hires children to dress up like his parents and tell him that they are sorry they raised him as a girl until he was 15. I can't prove that, but it sounds really truish.

1. Sell My Body




Sell me to other countries. They would love to get succulent rub-downs from me. I am surprisingly handsome and athletic for someone with a blog. Most bloggers are filled with Cheetos and loneliness. But not me. I would get a good price. But there are some things I wont do. No animals, and if you bring a couple of girls with one cup into the room with me, I'm gonna have to back out. But I am a strapping young (I'm 30 now) lad. Other countries would be more than happy to have me around. I could maybe do some lawn work wearing jean shorts and a half shirt. Or maybe the country of Turkey would like to see me wash their car. Maybe the country of Thailand would like to see me do some squats. I'll do it. I'll do whatever it takes to get America back on it's feet. I love this country almost as much as I love huffing paint, and I sure do love me some paint huffing. Why is my nose bleeding blackness?

*** Please visit my brand new website and enjoy the crap out of it: MNinstitute



      Thank you very much. I love you. - MRN