Happy Earth Day everyone! I gotta say, I really hate Earth Day. It's stupid. The Earth is stupid. Hippies like the Earth. Hippies are stupid. The Earth has too many bugs and mud everywhere. It's filthy. What's so great about it? Everywhere I look in nature all I see is poop and dead animals. There is one exception though: Trees. Trees are incredibly sexy ... obviously. So my staff and I (staff is what I call my wiener) have spent hours compiling the ultimate list of the 10 sexiest trees of all time!
10. Ash Tree
Ash Tree? More like Ass Tree. Look at that beautiful full bush. Tell me you can look at that big bubble of foliage and not want to get all up in there. Climb up in that hot mess and just go nuts.
9. Birch Tree
Birch please. The only tree with tan lines. Look at dem milky white trunks. I'd like to play tree doctor with this sassy plant. Hey Birch Tree, how 'bout you and me get together on Arbor Day, share a bottle of Boone's Farm and just see what happens?
8. Redwood Tree
The giant Redwood Tree. The only tree that looks like my penis. And by that I mean, it has a rough exterior and is usually exposed for tourist to see.
7. Retarded Tree
Not really that sexy you say? "Hey Retard Tree, how you doing?" "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUR DUUUUUUUUR I MAKE PAPER! DUUUUUUUUUUUR," it says. Now tell me that's not sexy.
6. Oak Tree
The mighty oak. Sexy? Yes. Power is sexy and the mighty oak is as powerful as they come. It just stands there, baring it all and telling the weather to take it's best shot. But it's not going to break, it's not going to bend. It's just going to stand there stiff as a board, hard as a rock. It just stands erect, erupting from the ground and flaunting it's mighty shaft.
5. Olive Tree
Sometimes you want a little junk in the trunk. Beep beep, back that trunk up. This bottom heavy hussy might have little a-cup olives to bare, but downstairs it's a wonderland.
4. Palm Tree
The biggest man-slut of all trees. It hits the beaches and shows off it's huge coconuts to all the ladies. My girlfriend lives in California now, and she sees Palm Trees all the time. Let me just say this to the Palm Trees. If you touch my girl, I swear to god I will drag you into my world of ultra-violence and leave you a rotting corpse. I will show you the meaning of torture, I will give you a new defintion of pain, I will break you, I will gouge, I will tear, I will rip, I will bite, I will destroy you from the inside out. There will be nothing left but a few palm leaves and a puddle of coconut milk. Keep your G.D. leaves off my girl!
3. Pine Tree
What?! Oh like I'm the only one who gets a chubby everytime I see a Pine Tree?! Please.
2. Willow Tree
Why do you hide? Why do you hide your body from me? Don't be shy. You're a beautiful tree, you should be proud of what you got. I know you've been hurt before, I know others have been cruel. But that's not me, that's not what is going to happen. I want you to look at me, c'mon look at me. That's it baby. Just keep looking at me. I'm going move some of your leaves aside. Shhh... it's ok, trust me. Now I'm going to spread your branches just a little. Oh willow tree, look at you. You're beautiful. You have nothing to be ashamed off, nothing you need to hide. You are a beautiful tree, and this isn't wrong. This is so right.
1. Boob Tree
HONK HONK! BEST TREE EVER!
*** Please visit my brand new website and enjoy the crap out of it: MNinstitute
Thank you very much. I love you. - MRN
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