Internet Haters!

Update: I wrote a lot of angry stuff, but I changed my mind. I'm above it. But I'm not above making you watch nearly 8 minutes of me shaving for no good reason : /

95th Annual Roller Skate With MRN Day!

I want to thank the thousands of people who attended the 95th Annual Roller Skate With MRN Day at Youngstown Skate in Youngstown, Ohio.

Once again, all proceeds went to the Hermaphroditic Bike Seat Association of America. A wonderful organization that refurbishes bicycles for the special needs of Americans born with both sets of genitals. People like Spencer Pratt and Ashlee Simpson. We raised 3 dollars, which will go along way to help those in need. "Making biking comfortable for those who aint got a taint."

Thank you to all who attended!

MRN Interviews: Foursquare Junkies!

MRN: Hello Foursquare Junkies aka [4SJ], I noticed your music has an electronic sound. Electricity of course comes from Satan. What's it like being in a Satanic band?

4SJ: It's pretty rewarding... wait, what? We are definitely an electronic band, however... No guitarists, bassists, or drummers were sacrificed in the creation of our music.


MRN: Do you ever feel like your band's sound would be better if it was Pearl Jam?

4SJ: Yes and no. More people might like it, but then it would mean that we would have to sing with a mouth full of marbles.


MRN: When a girl says "no." Don't you agree that she really means, "spike my drink and take pictures of my bottom for Japanese websites?"

4SJ: Wow... I don't think we agree with that. Plus we don't have a camera.


MRN: Your band's name is Foursquare Junkies, which of course is a reference to some sort of cult. How did you get mixed up in a cult?

4SJ: A cult? No way. We started the "cult" about a year ago. We realized that everyone (including ourselves) were taking themselves way to seriously when writing music. Music should be about expression and having a good time. We wanted to find the fun in making music again, because I think over the years we lost it.


MRN: I speculate that you have no black people in your band. Do you feel that a black person would steal your instruments? Because I think that's terrible to think that.

4SJ: We are an equal opportunity musical experience. However, you can tell from our occasional rap verses that we are both very white. Someone actually referred to us as a white version of The Fresh Prince & DJ Jazzy Jeff. We took that as a huge compliment.


MRN: You say in one of your songs that, "you can't stop the rhythm of the dance floor," couldn't you just turn off the music?

4SJ: You certainly could, however, people may stop having a good time if you do. Our message is pretty simple, enjoy life - cause your next day could be your last.


MRN: She was asking for it, wasn't she?

4SJ: No comment...




MRN: You do a cover of "Video Killed The Radio Star" the famous song by Heidi Montag. Do you feel that Video really Killed the radio star, and when you really think about that wordage, aren't you really saying that Jews control the media and therefore shouldn't be trusted? Because I think that's terrible.

4SJ: Heidi Montag? Who the hell is that? LoL. Video Killed the Radio Star by The Buggles was the first song that I had heard in the 80's that opened my eyes to the world of electronic music.


MRN: How did your band form? I'm asking about your individual conceptions. Graphic details would be fine.

4SJ: That's nasty... lol. We were just looking for a way to reconnect to music and have fun making it again. No conception involved.


MRN: What do you think of Asian people? I saw an Asian guy the other day, who was looking me up and down for like 15 minutes while I waited for my Sweet 'N Sour Chicken. I don't know if he wanted to eat me or rape me, or both. What do you think of that?

4SJ: We love both Asian food and Asian people - they are delicious.


MRN: What are your musical influences? When I hear your music, I think of bands like The Osmonds, Criss Cross, and Insane Clown Posse. Do you have other influences?

4SJ: Interesting take on the music! We definitely have a ton of influences. People have said they have heard everything from RUN DMC, to The Bee Gees, & even Will Smith in our music. We listen to pretty much everything and try to embrace what makes the music fun & pleasing to listen to. We then cram those musical assumptions into our supercomputer in the studio, and the song is creates itself in 30 minutes or less, or we get our money back.


MRN: What would you like the MRN audience (made up mostly of prisoners, and my nightmares) to know about your band?

4SJ: That we want people to understand that our music is about having a good time and that it should not be taken overly seriously. We are having a great time, and hope others will too. You can find information about our upcoming November 28th show in Youngstown at our site: CLICK HERE!

Photobombs 2!

Back with another edition of Photobombs. Photobombs are when a person or animal ruins a picture. Ruining things is good. I've ruined pictures, lives, and just now my pants.

Enjoy Your Wedding Day Jerks

If someone had a time machine and came back to this time, showed me this picture and told me this was my future, and the time traveler wasn't talking about the groom ... i would be SOOOO HAPPY.




Hey Ladies!

I'm going to rape you later : )




She Didn't Even Graduate!

Wait a sec ... ok, almost ... almost ... jeebus woman i want you in a grave! ... wait ... almost ...




This May Take A While

Trust me, this is a photobomb. Take the time, your kids and job can wait.




No! You Stay Behind The Chairs!

Nobody invited you to this. This is between me and the two girls, you can go out the way you came in. And back to hell, succubus!




Dammit Dad

This is why you didn't get custody in the divorce.




Two Of You Shouldn't Be In This Picture

You're a burden on this family. All of you.




Your Dad Is Ruing Sexting

Make him go away! But see if you're mom is up.





Your Wedding Is Stupid

The guy on the bike has no respect for your big day, because you have no respect for youself. If you did, you wouldn't have married the first guy who paid any attention to you on match.com. Seriously, i know this is a judgment, but you're a whore, and the old man on the bike, and everyone else, knows it.




I Like Where This Is Going

Even though that place probably involves sodomy : /

Movie Review: Michael Jackson's This Is It!

By Guest Contributor: The Cuntmaster 2000 (Yep, that's the name she went with)

Michael Jackson's This Is It!



Within the first few minutes, I already rolled my eyes because dancers were crying, sharing their feelings about being chosen to dance for Michael Jackson. The last guy especially made me go, "come on, really?" vis a vis "bitch, please."

Then within seconds of seeing Michael on screen, I ate my own fist and dick (is that the expression?), because I realized, holy shit I'd be crying my eyeballs out too for an opportunity to work with this dood! I mean, shit!

The entire time, I kept shaking my head thinking, "damn he's good, what a shame." Seriously, this guy was the master. Say what you will about his freakish personal life, but at work he is a perfectionist and an absolute genius. He's also quite humble. They show several blips in rehearsal and he constantly reminds not just himself but his staff, "that's why it's a rehearsal." And he's funny, even adorable.

I must point out his t-shirts. His freakin'. Awesome. T-shirts. I could've sworn he was wearing a Wu-Tang shirt at one point, but I cannot confirm. Nor deny. Or betray. I wouldn't be surprised though considering he was also wearing a Popeye shirt at one point, and later a shirt with a dragon body with a dog head wearing a chef's hat!! I looked at that and thought, "be mine," referring to both shirt, and Jackson.



So I should probably get off the fashion and move on to the music. You could tell his favorite was "They Don't Really Care About Us." And his moves! My pet peeve with pop performers is that they don't know jack shit to do with their bodies when they don't have a piece of choreography to go by, so they default to stupid bouncing or for the chicks, to slutty dancing. Michael, however, just figures it out, his body gets it and he can improv like no other. Tell him to dance for an hour straight and he'll do it, using some oldies but goodies, coming up with something new, he'll kill it. Shit. Damn he's good. What a shame. I don't even mind the weird stiff fart waft ditty he occasionally does which is actually termed his "penguin dance" to motion for the music to kick in.

I half expected at one point for him to climb a tree and sing "Have You Seen My Childhood." Dammit. Some dreams won't come true. But had he lived long enough to pull off these performances, it would've been a dream come true for millions of fans. I can't tell you enough how awesome this footage was, and how overwhelmingly sad and frustrated I felt and still feel that he's gone. It's hard to describe. I felt ripped off, like Michael was taken away from me, as though it were that personal.



Do yourself a favor, pee everything out of your system and go watch This Is It. I had to hold my piss in so badly but I wouldn't budge because the movie is that good. Pee the pee of your lifetime for the experience of a lifetime. It don't get deeper than that.

Sincerely,
The Cuntmaster 2000

MRN Interviews: Brooke Slanina!

MRN: Hello Brooke, I understand that you run the Oakland Theater. But you live in Youngstown, Ohio. Isn't Oakland California a bit far to drive every day? Haven't you thought about this?

Brooke: I think it's totally worth it. California is really hurting for money right now, so we'd like to help in any way possible. Plus, I mean, that's really the only place you can find talent these days. And you just can't beat the neighborhood...


MRN: I use to do a lot of theater, I won awards and was always amazing and sometimes, awesome. But you've never asked me to be in a play. Is that because of my criminal record and numerous Dateline appearances?

Brooke: Mostly, yes.

MRN: I noticed that there are a lot of gay guys in theater. What do you feed them, and how do you keep them off the furniture?

Brooke: That's a great question, and one we frequently get asked. Contrary to popular belief, most gays don't eat much at all. They live primarily on glitter and purified air. Keeping them off the furniture is another story. They are always on it, like magnets on some type of magnetic surface! I find shooing them with a rolled up newspaper or sometimes spraying them with a water bottle or mace is effective. The worst is when they start marking.

MRN: I always thought gays lived on attention and criticizing others. Oh crap, I live on that! Crap! Moving on ... Most plays I've seen are about things I don't care about. How come you never do plays about boobs, or drinking so much you forget about how much you hate your father, or football?

Brooke: Actually, we do a lot of shows with boobs in them, as well as other assorted naked body parts. And what you don't realize is everything is basically related to drinking, hating one's father, or the terrible shame your mother left you with after years of passive-aggressive behavior.



MRN: Oh. Boobs are good. I just hope you don't do RENT. Cuz that is hella gay.

How many Chipotle Burritos do you think I could eat in one sitting?

Brooke: All of them.

MRN: Yep.

So, you M.C. a talent variety show called "The Stage," in Youngstown. I've seen it. Ever think of just letting a bunch of retarded people and midgets go up on stage and freak dance on each other? Cuz, that's what I would do.

Brooke: Isn't that kinda what it's mostly like?

MRN: Pretty much : / You once famously said, "don't trust black people." I might have made that up, but do you stand by that made-up quote?

Brooke: I do, but I probably actually said "don't trust clowns, or those crump dancers who wear clown face" because that's totally true. My question for you is this: why do we still allow clowns to exist? No one likes them, especially not kids...I mean, what motivates someone to be a clown? It's got to be general creepiness. And that's just wrong. I think banning clowns would drastically reduce sex offender activity. Can you make that happen?

MRN: Probably, but I wont. I wouldn't have my clown gig with developmentally challenged young men and women. Ok, ok ... i smear lipstick all over my face and touch retarded kids. Same difference. It was the best job I ever had. Which brings me to my next question: Guess how many push ups I can do at one time.

Brooke: Eleventy million. Now get back to work on that clown issue.

MRN: Wow, you really think I can do that many? That's not even a real number. Thank you! Next question: what are some upcoming shows and events at your theater? And how come I've never seen an Asian person there? Is that a policy?

Brooke: Well, we're working on the Rocky Horror Show now (it runs Oct. 30-Nov 14) but by the time you actually publish this, we may or may not have already done How The Drag Queen Stole Christmas (Dec. 4, 5, 11 and 12), which is a huge hit and always sells out. People like drag queens during the Holiday Season. Then we'll be doing 4 "straight" plays (like non-musicals, not non-gay) in 2010: An Adult Evening with Shel Silverstein, Dinner with Friends, Wit, and Back of the Throat. I'm too tired to type what they're about, but they'll be super awesome.

Oh, and the Asian thing. I don't know. My friend Jeff Chann comes to a lot of shows. He's Asian. Maybe we should do a campaign to get more Asian involvement at the Oakland.



MRN: "Jeff" isn't an Asian name. You must have mistyped and meant to say "Chong," or "Ching," or "Sweet 'n Sour Pork." I think it should be an Asian-Only theater. Just don't let them drive. (They have no peripheral vision.) When I sit in a theater, I like to sit in the back, because I'm afraid brown people might sit behind me and shoot firearms. How did you get involved in theater?

Brooke: lol. Well, I use theater as a form of therapy. Being on stage is a good excuse to let one or more of your multiple personalities out to play. Then people are impressed with your strong "acting" skills. But since the new meds started kicking in, I find it much less necessary to be on stage.

Honestly, my involvement at the Oakland came at a time where I really needed a change in my life. I was in a depression and had just gone through a break up, and I found the idea of acting something that lifted my spirits. I auditioned for a show at the Oakland after reading an audition notice in the Vindicator. I didn't know where it was or what the show was about. I can't imagine where I found the courage to walk into a room full of people I didn't know and get up on stage an audition, but I did it. And it was the most rewarding move I ever made. I met some of my best friends at this theater, and the opportunities that have been provided through my ever-changing roles here have been so rewarding.

MRN: If you could let the MRNspace audience (made up mostly by sexual predators and Mexicans) one thing about The Oakland Theater in Youngstown, Ohio, what would that be?

Brooke: Clowns are evil, and the Oakland does not support them or any clown-related activities. P.S. for all you h8ers who might point out similarities between clowns and drag queens, drag queens wear a lot of makeup but they hardly ever harass small children...and at least they say snarky things to your face!

MRN: If you want to learn more about the Oakland Theater in Youngstown, Ohio (a horrible place you should avoid with the exception of the Oakland Theater and Brooke) you can go to their blog here: Oakland Theater! Or check out their Facebook page at: Oakland Theater On Facebook!