Live Oscar Commentary Tonight! Hit REFRESH on your browser about every 15 minutes.
8:27pm: I just turned on the Red Carpet thing. It's pretty much over, I didn't see any of the dresses. So, sorry gays, but I can't comment on this part. However, I can guess. Sarah Jessica Parker wore a lovely saddle, and Mo'Nique still hasn't shaved her legs. (seriously, google it, you'll throw up in your mouth)
8:30pm: And the gay superbowl begins!
8:33pm: Doogie Howser just sang some song. I don't know, I got distracted by a corn chip that looks like a wiener. I ate it, which I felt kind of weird about.
8:43pm: Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin did some jokes about the nominees. Boring, pg, safe, dumb, jokes. Not a single penis joke.
8:44pm: First award of the night. Best supporting actor goes to ... Christoph Waltz. I was right. I'm always right. He was great in Inglorious Basterds. Probably one of my favorite Nazi's ever. I mean, there's a lot, but probably my favorite.
8:59pm: Best Animated movie goes to ... Up. I'm two for two in my predictions. It was great. I didn't cry, because I'm a man, but ... I felt feelings and I had a period while I watched it.
9:01pm: Miley Cyrus and some other little girl are giving out the reward for best orginal song. I don't like her voice, it's really deep. Like Darth Vader deep. All the original songs are stupid. I predict the song from The Weary Heart will win. And of course, as always ... I was right! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha! I am a god. That's probably too much. But I'm like an Indian God or something. If they can have an elephant head lady, they can have MRN.
9:12pm: Robert Downey Jr. and the chick with the scar on her face are about to give the award for best original screenplay. They're being funny. I like them. They may live. I picked Quentin Tarantino and the winner is ... what?! What?! The guy from The Hurt Locker won?! BOLLOCKS! Well, i missed one, and now it looks like The Hurt Locker might win best picture. Even though, nobody saw it, and nobody cares about it. Way to go Oscars, way to make yourself increasingly irrelevant by picking movies nobody sees and nobody really cares about. Asses.
9:17pm. Molly Ringwald and Ferris Bueller! Man, I used to LOVE Molly Ringwald when I was a kid. I probably jerked it to her almost as much as Princess Leia. But I was kinda young, so only air, and confusion would come out. They are introducing a piece about John Hughes. Who made a ton of awesome movies from the 80's that I loved and still love.
9:28pm: Now a couple of hunnies are giving out the award for best Short Film. I wish this show was short.
Some French guy just won for best short animated movie that nobody will EVER see in their entire lives. Congrats. Frenchy. But his acceptance speech was nice. So he may live.
9:33pm Best documentary short goes to ... does it really matter? I wish the Cavs were playing right now, I'm bored. A gay black guy and a some old Jewish Lady are talking about ... does it really matter?
9:35pm Best animated short. I want a gun so I can just end things right now, this is going on FOREVER. Yay, The New Tenants won! Yay, I don't know what the eff that is, yay!
9:38pm: Ben Stiller is dressed as a Na'vi from Avatar. Sacha Baren Cohen was supposed to do this bit too, but the producer of the Oscars is friends with James Cameron and thought he might be offended. Google it. Also Google "two girls one cup" while you are busy googling things. The Award for best makeup goes to ... Star Trek! Woo! Oops, i told my gf, it would be The Young Victoria and she kinda thought it would be Star Trek. She listened to me. And she's a makeup artist in Hollywood. So ... my bad. Sorry babe. But you gotta love my enthusiasm!
9:49pm: Best Adapted Screenplay. First I picked Precious, then changed it to Up In The Air ... and damn! Precious won. Always go with your gut!!!!!!
9:55pm Robbin Williams, famous for Old Dogs and RV, in giving out the award for best supporting Actress. I say it's Mo'nique. I will be right about this. I really wish she would shave her legs, but she was great in precious. She deserves it. ... And the winner is ... Mo'nique! Ok, i'm back on track!
10:06pm Sigourney Weaver (I think that's how she spells it?) is giving the award for production design, and I picked Avatar, and ... Avatar won! Again, I'm back on track.
10:09pm: Sarah Jessica Parker is giving out an award for best costume design. Gay people, please stop trying to tell us that she's attractive, she's not. She looks like she has a giant vagina. I picked The Young Victoria and ... The Young Victoria won! I'm really back on track. I'm on fire.
10:18pm: Twilight kids are introducing a video about Horror movies. I'm gonna use the bathroom. I have to pee, but I'm going to sit down for it, because I'm not completely sure that's all I have to do. I already had a BM earlier today, but I just feel like there might be more in there. BRB.
10:24pm: It was a false alarm. Hurt Locker won for sound editing, I picked Avatar. I didn't see Hurt Locker, but I don't like it. I liked Avatar. The Oscars are stupid. Suck it Oscars! Unless I ever win one. Then I'll suck it : /
Now Sound mixing, I Picked Avatar and again, freaking nobody gives a fancy crap about it, Hurt Locker wins! The hell with the hurt locker. NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE HURT LOCKER YOU STUPID ELITIST PANTY LICKERS! NO WONDER NOOOOOOOOOBODY CARES ABOUT THE OSCARS ANYMORE. THE NUMBER ONE MOVIE BY FAR IS GETTING EFFED IN THE A, FOR A MOVIE THAT 3 PEOPLE WILL SEE! SUCK ME!
10:28pm: I'm sleepy. This is boring. I like it that when i fold up my arm, my elbow looks like a butt. Gross. Should I put my finger in it?! Oh man ... I'm doing it. Siiiiiiiiiiiiick! That was sooooo gay!
10:35: Sandra Bollock announces that Avatar guy won for best cinematography. Crap basket! I picked Hurt Locker for this one! Tits!
10:37: Ashton Kutcher's cougar is introducing the dead people. And the audience is applauding for the ones they are most happy are dead.
10:45pm: J-Ho and Avatar are introducing best music. Oh no ... dancers. Sigh. Jesus, my lord and savior why do you have to mock me with dancers?!
10:52pm: And after like 20 minutes of dancing that nobody cared about the winner for best score is Up. Which deserved it! And which I picked! Finally they are not making a mockery of life anymore.
10:54pm: Visual Effects Award goes to ... if it's not Avatar, then the people who pick this award should just go ahead and find a way to shove their entire heads into their anal cavities. ... The winner is ... Avatar. Another I got right. Worship me! Kinda!
11:04pm: The Cove won for best documentary. I think it was about dolphins. My watery enemies. Remember they aren't smiling, their faces are just born that way. Don't trust them. I didn't pick this to win, but I also didn't care. I wonder what a dolphin tastes like. Probably tastes like victory.
11:06pm: Tyler Perry is doing something.
Best film editing goes to: I picked Avatar and so of course the winner is The Hurt Locker. Again. No good.
11:08pm: This is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BORING. I SHOULD BE WATCHING CARTOONS OR AT LEAST DRUNK RIGHT NOW. THIS IS PAINFUL!!!!!!!! I'm declaring it now ... I'm saying it ... The Oscars are so over! They jumped the shark, then went back and gave it a succulent reach around. They gave a reach around to a shark!
11:15pm: Quentin and some other dude are introducing the best foreign film nominees. Ching Chong Chang, Yaba Daba Do, Click Click Click, and The White Ribbon. And the winner is Blarg Blah Blumkin Queef. I might have spelled that wrong. Oscars, congratulations, this show is the most boring thing in the history of everything. How about not sucking next time? I don't know if I even want to ever win one of these. I'd have to show up to this suck fest and sit through it for like 5 hours. Uhg. I'd rather sit at home, jerk it, eat pizza and play x-box. That's not true. I'm never gonna get an x-box : /
11:24pm: I wasn't paying attention. I don't know what all these bitches are doing on stage.
Oh, they are giving out the award for best actor. Jeff Bridges should win. But maybe they'll give it to The Hurt Locker just to continue being dicks.
This is going on forever. BTW, fun fact, Morgan Freeman is having sex with his step daughter. Nice. Google it.
Ok, so while all this verbal fellatio takes place, I want to point out that the reason nobody cares about award shows anymore is because they are so self important, politically correct, and dull.
And Kate Winslet (who i've seen naked in every single movie she ever did, good thinking) announces the best actor ... the winner is .... Jeff Bridges! Ok, i got another one. But my picks are sucking almost as much as the Oscars : /
11:41pm: Blabbidy bla bla bla ... and the Oscar for best girl actor goes to ... after 40 minutes of build up ... Sandra Bullock! Yay, i got another one. She deserved it.
11:52pm: Barbara Streisand, who always finds a way to make my penis invert, is talking about the first woman or first black guy could win for best director. I think they are going to give it to a woman, for the stupid Hurt Locker. Even though her ex husband, James Cameron deserves to win it. And the winner goes to ... Kathryn Bigelow, which I predicted, but not because she deserved it.
11:58pm: And now the guy from Turner and Hooch, Tom Hanks came out and quickly gave the award to the movie nobody saw, will see, or cares about, The Hurt Locker. This is the reason people are not really watching The Oscars anymore. They pick movies that are ok, but not really that great, and give them the big awards. When a groundbreaking, amazing movie like Avatar comes out, they get screwed. Way to go Oscars, you have once again proven you are irrelevant. So ... right here Academy Awards, ... deez nuts.
Another waste of an evening by out of touch Hollywood! Thanks for nothing! Next year I'm watching Food Network : /
The Oscars are dead.
my pre-show predictions:
best picture: Avatar (got jipped by the Hurt Locker which nobody saw or cares about)
best actor: Jeff Bridges (I was right)
best actress: Sandra Bullock (I was right)
best director: Kathryn Bigelow (I was right)
best supporting actor: Christoph Waltz (I was right)
best supporting actress: Mo'Nique (I was right)
best original screenplay: Quentin Tarantino (b.s. the Oscars were wrong)
best adapted screenplay: Jason Reitman (I was right, the Oscars were wrong)
best animated: Up
*** Please visit my brand new website and enjoy the crap out of it: MN institute
Thank you very much. I love you. - MRN