I’ve learned a lot of important things about myself and about life in recent weeks. So here are all the unimportant things I’ve learned:
- Violence never solves anything, except for all your problems.
- The quickest way to a man’s heart isn’t food, unless that food has parasitic worms.
- I like white heads more than black heads, but it’s not like that.
- Let go, let God … does not apply for anything involving heights.
- Don’t fear change. Except for nickels.
- It’s ok for a grown man to feel sad, and even cry. Just make sure you change your tampon first.
- A dog is truly man’s best friend. And even your best friend is going to make a runny poop on your carpet.
- Humor can help you get through painful times. Said the guy in the clown wig during my rape.
- No one ever said life was going to be fair. Except for my third grade teacher, Mrs. Alexander. Lying whore.
- People spend so much time and money collecting stuff. You can’t take it with you when you die. Unless you put it inside your butt.
- I used to be a pessimist. Now I’m an optimist. It probably wont last.
- You gotta know when to hold them and know when to fold them. Does not apply to testicles.
- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me! Fool me three times, well you're just kind of a dick then.
- The best part about therapy is having an emotionally detached, impartial, and rational person who has a scientific understanding of how the mind works to help guide you through your own thoughts and feelings … that and the balloons.
- When life hands you lemons, you can sell them, but not for very much, because nobody really likes lemons.
- Some of the nicest people I know are atheist, some of the most peaceful people I know are Muslim, some of the most generous people I know are Jewish. Too bad they're all going to hell.
- I once complained that I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. That asshole had my shoes!
- But the most important unimportant thing I've learned is that baby monkeys love riding backwards on top of little pigs. But who doesn't?
*** Please visit my brand new website and enjoy the crap out of it: MN institute
Thank you very much. I love you. - MRN