Thursday, November 04, 2010

What You Can and Can't Use

Facebook For!

I noticed a lot of you have been misusing Facebook. A lot of the mistakes you are making are mistakes that I once made. Let me help you jerks.

What you CAN use Facebook for:

- Getting attention, because that is what you use instead of food and water now. It's what I use.

- Spying on people you used to know, hoping they get fat.

- Posting pictures to make it look like you had more fun at a party than you actually did.

- Sending drunken messages that you will really regret on multiple levels the next day.

- Looking for nip slips in the pictures of your sluttiest female friends.

- Showing people every single meal you eat, every single day of your awful life. People really want to see what your turkey sandwich looks like. They wait for that from the moment they wake up, post a picture of their breakfast, and get ready for their day. Once noon rolls around they expect to know that you are eating the most fancy hipster turkey sandwich in the history of the world, a turkey sandwich that has thick oversized glasses with no lenses and has an ironic tattoo on the toasted bread. If I didn't see a picture of your sandwich, if I didn't know what your overly complicated lunch looked like, well, I would just die. I would just up and GD die!

- Being passive aggressive and sarcastic. No really, really, I just love that sooooooo much.

- Clicking "like" on your own posts. Then commenting on your own posts that you like your own post, and clicking "like" on that too.

- Tagging friends when they didn't realize they were having a picture of them taken. A picture in which they look horrible, really at their worst.

- Saying every single thing to every single person you care about that you used to, and should still be saying IN PERSON or AT LEAST ON THE DAMN PHONE!

- Showing people what a bad speller you are. (Also, pointing out to people what a bad speller they are.)

- Letting people know that you are way sadder than they are.

- Showing people videos of the horrible music you like. Or showing people videos of the super indie music you pretend you like, but really nobody likes.

- Being a troll. Saying something outlandish and contrarian just to be a jerk and get angry responses. Do you know who else does things they shouldn't just to get attention? 3 year olds.

- Going on and on and on and on about how much in love you are with your boyfriend or girlfriend. You are so filled with love, you just can't help yourself. It's just bursting right out of your little body and onto your dirty keyboard. And everyone will know it's true love, because true love is expressed in simple sentences on facebook walls. It's just like the old days really, the days before the internet. Men and women would walk around the streets yelling at the top of their lungs, "I'm so in love, hey everybody, I'm so in love! I found the love of my life, I'm so happy! It's going to last forever!" And everyone around them would stop in their tracks and begin to loudly applaud. Many of the towns people would be in tears from the happiness they were sharing with you. Well, when you post about how in love you are, how happy you are with your girlfriend who is barely out of high school or your boyfriend who makes fun of your floppy boobs when you aren’t around, every single one of your facebook friends is dropping everything they were doing, standing up in front of their computer and applauding. Everyone is just, so, so, SOOOOOOOOOOOO freakin' happy for you!

- Sending mass emails inviting me to a fashion show for some ghetto ass clothing line sponsored by Kelly Pavlik (For my friends around the world who don't know who Kelly Pavlik is, she's a 15 year old girl who boxes Mexicans and black guys while topless and sometimes wins but lately mostly loses. She's adorable.) That looks really classy, I can't wait to attend. I also can't wait to get 50 mass emails from you and your horrid friends who all send me the same thing. Nothing like going to a fashion show to see the latest line of t-shirts covered in abstract pictures of barbed wire.

- Saying things like, "I'm going to delete my facebook," just so you can get all your friends to beg and plead with you not to, or "Nobody likes me," so they'll all leave you comments telling you how much they love you, even though you are probably right and they don't really care for you much, probably because you‘re a pussy. Or leaving confusing dark messages that turn out to be song lyrics, but freak everybody out, because it sounds like you are suicidal and not just copying and pasting song lyrics from Kings of Leon.

- Being a hypocrite when you make fun of people's posts that are really, really similar to posts you left. my bad:

Here is what you CAN'T use facebook for:

Any kind of intelligent conversation about ANYTHING EVER! Don't try!

*** Please visit my brand new website and enjoy the crap out of it: MN institute

       Thank you very much. I love you. - MRN


Anneliese said...

I am pretty glad I don't do any of that shit. haha! Seriously though, don't delete me!
*Btw I friggin hate anyone who gushes like an idiot about their relationship - not just on Facebook, but in real life too. I just want to punch them. :)

Linds said...

omg, i love u MRN!!!!!

Samantha W said...

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Anonymous said...

schmoopy schmoopy schmoopy


Sars said...

FUCK YOU MRN! I don't meant it. LOVE YOU MRN!

I do some of this shit : (

Hilarious though. I hate and love you MRN.

Anonymous said...

I'm so going to be your facebook friend now Michael Noll!

Anonymous said...

U suck mrn! But this was really funny.

c.k. said...


Bree : 0 said...

No, LIVE! I love MRNspace!

Anonymous said...

hahaha shutup

The Amish Princess said...

I only bang dudes who wear affliction t-shirts.